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I was 18 years old and it was my first week of college. I was nervous but excited as I started my new adventurous “adult life”. I remember thinking that I was so ready, I knew what the universe was supposed to bring to me at this stage of my life and I was just so mature and ready for it. I had always dated, but I had never really enjoyed it.

I remember doing that thing at an early age where you “went out” with someone which basically meant you were a couple that liked each other and you were referred to as a “couple” at school but you mostly just held hands and felt butterflies when you saw them in the hall because you knew they liked you back.

As I got older it got to the point that I would start dating someone and think I really liked them until I actually got to know them better and then it just didn’t feel right anymore. I just wasn’t with the right person. I always felt like dating was hard and I hated that it had to be so complicated, but that’s really the only kind of dating I ever experienced (full of fighting and drama).

Now that I was in college, I felt like I would have an opportunity to date guys that weren’t going to play games and maybe just meet some older more mature men. Little did I know that I would meet someone who would prove to be the worst dating experience of my life despite his older “more mature” title.

This guy sat behind me in my first sociology class, which in my mind proved to be an awesome introduction to college. He was outgoing, great at sharing his thoughts, and always talked to me. Me being the shy-until-you-get-to-know-me type person that I am, I felt so special that he wanted to talk to me. That he would compliment me. Then that thing happened where I wasn’t sure if he liked me or not, and when he would leave it would leave me wanting more.

We interacted quite a bit after class and would sit and talk in front of the library until our next classes. We got to know each other pretty well for only knowing each other for a few weeks. I wonder now how much of that was manipulation. I remember him telling me his sob story pretty quickly….I don’t know if it is just a girl thing or what but I fell for it, I loved that he was open with me enough to share that, it made me think he was more sensitive or whatever, and I just kept falling.

It took forever for him to ask for my phone number, but he found out where I lived and we were literally right around the corner from each other, so he would just stop by unexpectedly to sit and talk or see how I was doing, or see if I wanted to go do something. This was basically the worst thing ever because I began obsessing over it (call it being boy crazy or whatever you like, I was just so excited to think that maybe he wanted to be around me that often) I was always hoping that he would unexpectedly stop by, I remember sometimes seeing him from my window and getting giddy about it. (I like to think this is just average teenage girl behavior, but maybe I was a little crazy).

After a couple of weeks of that, he finally asked me for my number, and the games began. I was constantly wanting to talk to him or text him but didn’t want to come on too strongly, then when I would text him he would drop off the face of the earth for a while leaving me feeling unimportant and confused. The worst part about this was that there was never any explanation, just a happy text of “Hey! What’s up!? :)” like nothing ever happened. After a few times of that happening we started talking more seriously and more often, I would go over to his house after being invited and we would talk and have lots of fun. Their apartment was the party place because they always had people over. A movie was always going and there was always something fun happening. I should also mention that the roommates that I was friends with were better friends with each other than they were with me, and they were not go-out-and-do-things type people. And at that point in my life that was all I knew how to do. So I felt very alone.

One fateful night I was invited to a bonfire by this guy and I was just so excited to be going out and doing something fun. My roommate told me that she didn’t think I should go. I was so angry about it because she had made me feel like an outcast for the first month of college because she didn’t want to go out and do anything with me in fear that her other roommate would feel left out because she didn’t want to go. I told her I was going and left in a huff. I see now that this first outing is where the manipulation began. I like to think that I had fairly strong and high standards, but I didn’t know how quickly they could fall because I put my trust in the wrong person. At the bonfire there were a lot of people drinking, and so was the guy I was with, which was surprising to me, with the things that he had told me, I guess I felt like i was led to believe we had the same standards. I expressed my concerns, and he used his charm by explaining that he didn’t want people to judge him based on that and that he was glad I was so understanding and nonjudgmental. See how he made me feel so special? I call that the “us against the world” tactic and boy was I a sucker for it. And I put my guard down.

After we had kissed and held hands and gone on dates and all the things that people do when they are dating, I started to ask him if we were going to label ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend and make things official because well why wouldn’t we? I came away from the conversation more than a little confused. He pulled in bits of his sob story again and said that was part of the reason we just couldn’t do that. He wasn’t ready to call me his girlfriend was basically what it came down to. Even though I was quite hurt, I tried to be understanding and let it go. We continued whatever it was that we were doing and I felt myself desperately searching for a reason that he couldn’t call me his girlfriend because his excuse just really didn’t make sense. I began to draw the conclusion that the only reason he wouldn’t want to do that was because he was seeing other girls. Sadly I didn’t come to this conclusion until after I had lost my virginity.

I remember battling for his attention sometimes, even though I felt like we made it clear that we were all but in a relationship….I was trying to prove myself worthy of the title of his girlfriend. I wanted to prove that I was willing to show him that I really cared about him, even loved him. And of course that was where I began going down a path that was darker than I could have imagined.

I never felt like I was good enough and I felt like I was beneath him, I had to prove that I deserved to be with him. I don’t know if this was a culmination of a poor self-esteem and too many bad relationships, or if this guy really put me down on that level. Either way, it was just a bad situation. I remember feeling like I was crazy because he would do or say something that would make me feel bad, I would tell him that it hurt me and then he would somehow make me feel like I was the bad guy and that I had to apologize to him for feeling that way. I remember my roommates hating him and hating me for having him around. I eventually ended up moving into a new apartment because it got to be a very hostile environment.

After moving into my new apartment and into a new place with three new roommates, I was feeling relief as well as anxiety about them finding out anything about my situation. But after so much bonding and opening up to one another, many late nights, and too many cry sessions I found out that all three of my roommates were going through VERY similar situations. It was so nice to have 3 wonderful beautiful girls that could completely understand me! They didn’t judge me, they didn’t tell me I was doing the wrong thing (even though I think we all knew there was something wrong with it), they just understood me. I truly believe that the Lord put those three into my life so that I could have true friends by my side to help me through it.

As I grew more and more impatient with the situation and yet more and more desperate to show him that I was meant to be with him, things escalated. More and more of his habits came out that with any other person I would have run for the hills. But somehow he had made me believe that it wasn’t that big of a deal. He was doing drugs, he looked at pornography, he had parties at his parents house that they knew nothing about. These would all be red flags for anyone with their head on straight…but somehow I was just blind. I remember sitting in my math class when he texted me and told me that the police were at his apartment and they were going to find the marijuana that he had in his truck. He told me that he needed me to get out of my class and break into his car and get it out so that they didn’t find it. He was screaming in text that he needed me to get it out, telling me that he loved me and that he needed me to do this for him. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I think I saw the manipulation for just a minute, and I’m sure that the fact that I was sitting next to my brother in my math class made me really put things into perspective. When I didn’t do that for him, he wouldn’t talk to me for a few days because he had to forgive me for not attempting to ruin my life right along with him.

He once came over to my apartment so drunk that he was throwing up all night. He kept telling me that he came over because he knew that I would take care of him, but it turns out that it was only because he was afraid they were going to get caught drinking and he needed a place to crash so he didn’t get in trouble. I stayed awake all night reading a book while he slept on my twin bed and threw up every 20 minutes. I would hold the bucket for him. He got up and left first thing in the morning and said “thank you” like I had just given him a quarter instead of letting him sleep in my bed while I stayed up all night taking care of him.

One of my worst memories was when I let him talk me into smoking weed with him because he just thought it would be “so much fun” to see me high. I threw up everywhere and he was more worried about his stuff then he was about me. He took me to his apartment and put me in his room in the bed, he put a bowl next to my face and left for hours while I layed there thinking that I was going to die…

I think I had isolated myself from so many people by this point and I was so afraid of what they would think of me if they knew what had happened and knew the things I had done that I just felt like all I had was him. What an awful feeling that was. I was in a dark place. I would feel so happy when he would talk to me and take me places and we just had so much fun together, but then things like the stuff I wrote above would happen. And I knew something was wrong but how do you get out of that? And the next day he would be so super nice to me. We would take pictures together and one time he even made me a bunch of block decorations with pictures of us on them. I lived for the days that we would just have fun together, and when the bad things happened, I wished I could get out, but I didn’t know how and I felt like it was too late.

Finally, one day he had asked me to go to a dance with him. I loved dances, but in the 7 months we had dated he had never asked me to a dance. He had always taken other girls and told me that they had asked him and he didn’t want to be rude and say no. Anyway, I was so excited. We had planned to go on a date during the day and then go to the dance afterwards. He had had surgery and was in a boot so he didn’t really want to go so I felt even more special that he was still going to go with me. I got ready the morning of the dance and texted him that I was ready whenever he was. He informed me that he had some homework to do but that he would come over in the afternoon. I told him I would make lunch (which I never did) and was excited to see him. The day went on and I got ready by curling my hair. I made lunch and told him it was ready and he never showed up. I was frustrated because we were still supposed to do something before the dance and his excuse for not making it to lunch was that he needed to clean (this was a common excuse for him though). My roommates tried to distract me and we went and flew kites and stuff, but as the dance crept closer I got more and more discouraged. I texted him again to see if we were even going to the dance and he replied that he was helping a friend with homework now and would be home soon so I could go over. After calling him and telling him my frustrations through tears, he told me that he really didn’t want to go to the dance because his leg was in the boot and he didn’t feel like he could dance anyway. I was mad because he hadn’t told me sooner and this was kind of a big deal to me and I wish we could have at least had fun during the day. He hung up because I was “being a baby” and I drove to a deserted playground and cried. A couple minutes later he asked me to come over. I was hoping for an apology and was trying to be optimistic so i went. I walked in the door, and he ignored me as he got something out of the fridge, then turned and smiled at me and greeted me with the most annoying “hey! What’s up!?” I have ever heard because once again it was like he was completely unaware. As I talked to him he ignored me as he texted another girl as if I wasn’t there, then told me I was being ridiculous as I sprang for the door with tears in my eyes.

The sad thing is that i still wasn’t done. I probably would have gone back. But something happened that night that I didn’t find out about until later and it tipped me completely over the edge. I found out that he had gone to the dance with another girl a few days later. I was furious…I was hurt…and I decided that I was done. I had a very intense breakdown…luckily my mom knew a little of what was going on. She had told my dad months before that one day she was going to need to drop everything and come stay with me, so when I called her at 9 o clock at night she drove for three hours to come and be with me.

She was understanding and yet she was harsh at times. She told me what i needed to do and she helped me have the strength to take back my power. I texted him the next day and asked if I could go get something that I left at his apartment. After a good pep talk I walked over. I walked in and said “hi” then I grabbed my stuff and went to leave, he tried to talk to me and I said that I had to go, I think by this time he was realizing something was wrong and I turned to leave without hesitation as he tried to grab my attention, but I walked away. And as I did he started calling after me, more and more frantically each time. Then I slammed the door. That was the beginning of taking back the power.

The next few days were rough. He had been the person that I spent almost every day with for 8 or so months. And now I had to find other things to do, other people to talk to, all while he competed for my attention. He wasn’t giving up now because now he knew he was losing me and so it was easy for him to be sweet and nice. I lost so much sleep because it was just plain hard. No one other than my roommates knew what I was going through. And it was hard to talk to them about it sometimes because they were still in it, and I was trying to get out. I did cave, but only once. I told him that I would go on a drive with him to explain where I was at. It turned into a yelling match. He still didn’t understand what he had done wrong! I felt like getting into the car he even tried to put me down by mentioning that he hadn’t seen me wear the shorts I was wearing before and that they were “skanky short”. I finally poured out how I felt with no reservations because I really didn’t care what he thought, it was my chance to get out how I felt and I knew he probably wasn’t going to listen, but hey, if he did then that was great.

It sucked that I was in his car because it was actually starting to look like it was going to rain. I realized that if he decided to be a real jerk he could just leave me stranded, but I had my phone so I wasn’t too worried. I spilled my guts and made him mad, he told me to get out of the car. So I did. When I opened the door to get out he told me to get back in and sped up, but I told him to stop. He stopped the car and I got out. He drove away angrily and somehow in my mind I didn’t care! It was great, I felt free. Then he decided to make my victory even more satisfying by coming back and driving next to me as I walked. He told me to get back in the car and I cut across a long patch of grass so he couldn’t get to me. He was yelling at me out of the window about how stupid I was being and I just grinned as I walked. I got back to the road and he drove next to me and asked me if I was even listening to him…I then responded with the most liberating phrase I have ever uttered from my mouth… “it sucks doesn’t it!?!” Haha at which point he drove away angrily and this time he didn’t come back.

I walked home with a spring in my step and a confidence that I didn’t know I could posses. And it was truly wonderful.

He left notes on my car and tried to text me on his friends phones even after I blocked his number. He even showed up on my porch weeks later. When I opened the door I was in shock that it was him and when he asked me if I wanted to go do something I said “No!” Slammed the door, locked it, and ran upstairs to my room and cried. I cried because I couldn’t believe I slammed the door in his face and because I couldn’t believe that I could be that strong in resisting him. It felt good.

He tried calling me and sending me letters even months later. Apologizing and asking me to come meet up with him somewhere. I wrote him a brutal letter back, and hung up when I heard his voice. This solidified my idea that he was probably just as manipulative as I thought that he was. And it wasn’t just in my head.

One of my friends that had been there for me through everything without really knowing what was going on, along with being a great friend before any of this happened, asked me if I would consider dating him after I had broke things off with the douche bag. I had told him most of what had happened and was surprised that he didn’t want to shove me out of his life completely. I pondered for a long time what that would mean for our friendship and if it could be good. After deciding there was no harm in trying, we began dating. Shortly after making the decision to date, he kissed me for the first time, and I know it might sound crazy, but I knew then that I was supposed to marry him. We have now been married for 7 years and have three beautiful children. My life is like a dream come true. I truly appreciate my husband and how he treats me, and I wonder sometimes if it is just because I lived in a nightmare for a little less than a year.

I remember looking into a dark tv screen as I sat in that guys room talking to him about life, and thinking that my life felt as dark as that screen, and I felt trapped. But I got out, and life is good. It is better than I ever could have imagined it. So if I would have had to give myself advice while I was in that situation it would have been this;

Don’t let someone have power over you
Life can be so much better than you think
If someone makes you feel like you are crazy, you aren’t crazy! You just need to get away from that person
You deserve to be treated like a princess, and there is someone out there that is willing to treat you that way, sometimes you just have to stop looking in order to find him 😉

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