Therapy Wasn’t For Me. . .Until It Was

“I’m getting by just fine on my own, I don’t need therapy.”

“Yeah, some crappy things happened in my past, but they’re in my past. I’m fine.”

“It happened so long ago, digging it up will only make things worse.”

These are all things I had told myself a million times and I truly believed them to my core.

Therapy wasn’t for me. . .until it was.

Everything in my life had pretty much come to a breaking point. The sexually and emotionally abusive relationship from my past was catching up with me, no matter how hard I tried to deny it. In fact, I waited until my past had become so burdensome that I could barely function as a wife, as a mother, and as a human being before I was willing to admit that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t okay.

Maybe I couldn’t just take care of this thing on my own.

Maybe I needed help.

Finding and scheduling that first appointment with a therapist was a huge milestone for me. I had finally accepted that burying it and pretending it never happened wasn’t working so well. The first step then: Pick up a shovel, start digging up your past.

It was something my husband and I had talked about me doing for months.  My husband never pushed it but week after week when he would gently ask if I had scheduled an appointment, I always dodged it.  “Yeah, I should do that”, “Yeah, I’ll get around to it”, “Yeah, I keep meaning too, I just always remember on the weekends”, “Yeah, I need to talk to our insurance and see who they’ll cover first”.

I was dragging my feet big time.

Why?

At the time, it felt like there were so many reasons but really it all came down to one:

I was scared.

The unknown and unexpected were terrifying to me. I didn’t feel ready to take on what felt like the next giant leap.

I was worried because, previously, every time my past did come up (usually against my will) I was left feeling raw. So raw and vulnerable, in fact, that I usually found myself numbing, avoiding responsibilities, and barely able to function for a day or two.

On top of that, I was worried that if I did decide to dig up my past, feeling numb or horribly depressed could potentially become my new normal all day, everyday for who knew how long and that was terrifying to me. Even though I knew that things would potentially be better in the long run, I was terrified of what the middle would hold and how long I might be there.

Despite all of these worries and fears, I knew I had to do it. I knew that if I wanted my past to stop having power over me and stop negatively affecting my ability to be the wife and mother my family deserved, I needed to face my past head on.

But knowing I should and actually doing it were two very different things.

How did I work up the courage to schedule that first appointment?

First, I had to learn something new about fear.

For my entire life, I pretty much avoided doing anything and everything I was afraid of. Striking up a conversation with a stranger, lifting weights in a gym full of incredibly fit people, answering the door when I wasn’t expecting anyone. . .If it made me uncomfortable, you could pretty much guarantee that I avoided it at all costs.  

Then I learned something incredibly valuable about fear.

There are two different kinds of fear: fear that kills and fear that grows.

What do I mean by this? I mean that our brains purpose is to keep us alive! Therefore, our brains send us signals anytime there is something to fear because it’s trying to protect us, keep us alive. The unfortunate part is that it doesn’t recognize the difference between fear that kills and fear that grows. It just knows fear is fear – avoid it. So when you feel fear, your brain practically screams at you, “Don’t do it! This could kill us!!” Your heart races, you feel a pit in your stomach, your senses intensify. . .all of which happens in hopes that you’ll run in the opposite direction. And when you do, your brain sighs a big sigh of relief and thinks. . .”Your welcome, I just saved our life.”

So, what I had to do was teach my brain that there is a difference between the two.

I did this by making a list. Fear that kills vs Fear that grows. I literally had to show myself that they were two very different things. Under the “Fear that kills” list I put things like bears, walking into dark alleys alone, driving recklessly, etc.

Under “Fear that grows” I put talking to strangers, speaking in public, sharing my story of abuse, scheduling an appointment with a therapist, etc.

Doing this taught my brain that it had every right to be afraid of bears and cliff jumping and dark alleys and I should avoid doing those things because stuff like that really could end up getting me killed. But other fears. . .like my fear of seeing a therapist. . .that was not going to kill me. And if I know it’s not going to kill me, then I know it will grow me.

There’s fear that kills and there’s fear that grows.

Since learning this, I try to recognize when I’m avoiding something or backing off of something because I’m afraid. Then I ask myself, “Is this a fear that will kill me?” And if the answer is no, I do my best to move forward and lean into the growth.

I had to do this exact thing when I first made the call to schedule an appointment with the therapist. My heart was racing and I was genuinely afraid to make that call. But I stopped, took a deep breath, and said, “Will making this call kill me?” No. No, it will not.

I made the call.

Yes I was nervous, yes it was outside of my comfort zone, but I’m happy to report. . .I did not die.

My experience with my first therapist

My experience with my first therapist was not a bad one, but it wasn’t great either. I only ended up seeing him for a couple of months for a couple of reasons.

1. He wasn’t a great fit for me. He wasn’t bad by any means and in fact he was the first to tell me that I was in an abusive relationship but I just never really felt comfortable with him. It may have been because he was kind of a goof, which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with, it just wasn’t what I wanted or needed when talking about something so hard and vulnerable.
2. My fears of digging up my past were coming true. Not nearly as bad as I had worked up in my mind but I left most appointments feeling raw and broken just because so many hard things were brought up and rehashed. I usually came home and felt super emotional and then felt numb for the next day or two. Not super depressed and down but not happy either. Just blah. I felt like I was just existing.
3. There were moments and days where I really felt like the therapy was working. Learning more about abuse and more about how it wasn’t my fault was helping me better understand myself, my reactions and relationships but that’s about the only way it helped me. I was still having nightmares. I was still having arguments with my husband about nothing. I was still overly anxious and terrified at even the thought of having sex with my husband. I felt like I was being triggered just as often, if not more than, as when I began therapy. Simply put, I didn’t feel like the trauma itself was resolving at all.

Needless to say, I was incredibly discouraged. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had failed my family and my husband. I was so sure therapy was the answer, that it was going to help me heal. I was so hopeful that things were finally going to start changing for me. I felt like I had learned a lot but all the pain, all of the hurt was still there and that’s what I wanted gone more than anything else.

So, I stopped going to that therapist and just kind of told myself that it wasn’t a great fit and I’d find someone else eventually.

Fast forward 5 months and I still hadn’t even tried to find a different therapist.

Thankfully, I happened to stumble upon a free retreat for woman who were sexually abused when they were 18 or younger. I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the Safe Haven retreat and it was life changing. Largely because it was at this retreat that I first learned about something call EMDR therapy.

EMDR Therapy

Before this retreat, I didn’t even know there were different kinds of therapy. I thought therapy was when you went and talked to someone with a license about all your problems and they help you work them out. And that’s pretty much what my experience was with my first therapist and it wasn’t great. It didn’t help in the long run.

But then, at this retreat, not only did I learn that EMDR therapy was a thing but I also found out that it is the best practice for those who have trauma in their past! There were several women at the retreat who had done it before and they all said it was life changing.

So, what exactly is EMDR therapy?

I love how the EMDR Institute, Inc, describes it in an understandable way:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.  Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal.  EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.  When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound.  If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes.  The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health.  If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes.

My decision to seek out an EMDR therapist

After coming home from this retreat, I was cautiously optimistic. I had learned a lot and even came home with a lot of good tools in my tool belt to help me along my healing journey. But, I had learned a lot from my previous therapist too and still nothing seemed to change so maybe this would be the same?

Thankfully, that wasn’t the case because the best tool I came home with was my new determination to seek out an EMDR specialized therapist.

One thing about determination for me though is that it gets off track quite often, especially when it leads to potentially uncomfortable things! So even though I was “gungho” about trying out this new type of therapist, it still took me almost two months to actually work up the courage (again!) to make that first call and set up an appointment.

And boy, oh boy am I glad I did.

My experience with EMDR therapy

I’m going to be completely straight with you right now and say that I don’t love EMDR therapy because it’s easy.

It’s not easy at all. But it has been incredibly effective!

I feel like I healed more in my first two appointments than I did in the 4 months I was going to my first therapist. Like I said, the appointments themselves aren’t easy, but for the first time in 7 years things were changing. I was changing. I was processing what had happened to me instead of just talking about it.

What has changed for me since starting EMDR therapy 4 months ago

• My definition of “fine” has changed. Before starting therapy, I was doing just fine. I really was. But I now see that “fine” then just meant I wasn’t drowning. I wasn’t dying. But I wasn’t living either. I was just surviving.
• Life has so much more color! I feel like the world is so much brighter now that the fog is clearing up. My days are filled with so much more happiness and joy instead of just feeling “blah” all day everyday. I’m more playful and fun! I’m more confident and outgoing.
• I’m a dreamer! I’m more determined to go for goals and actually get them instead of giving up two weeks in like I always used to do.
• It’s not perfect yet, but there are a number of times I have actually wanted to be intimate with my husband. Not because I felt like I should or I had to, but because I wanted to. For the first time in my life, sex felt like it was for me too and it was about love and connection, not desire.
• My past no longer determines my future. I’m in control of my present and my future. I’ve learned that I can create whatever life I want to live.

I could really go on forever about how much EMDR therapy has helped me but to put it simply, it has helped me break free of the chains that have kept me tied down and bound for so long. After each and every appointment, I walk away feeling a bit lighter and my wings are able to spread a little bit further.

Don’t be afraid to keep looking

If you don’t mesh well with your therapist for any reason at all, keep looking!! Not all friends are a good fit, not all therapists are going to be a good fit either. Let yourself be picky! You are paying them money to help you so if you don’t feel like you’re being helped in the way you want, move on. But keep moving. Don’t make the mistake I did and just give up all together. Find someone else right away.

The sooner you face your past, the sooner you can stop living a repeat life.

Don’t be like me and wait until your life is in shambles before asking for help. Get help now and I promise you, you will avoid so much hurt and pain for yourself and your family in the future.

Resources

If you would like to find an EMDR therapist, click here to search for EMDR specialized therapists in your area. This link makes it incredibly straightforward and easy. I love, love, love my therapist and I’m so glad I kept looking because the right kind of therapy with the right therapist is a recipe for a beautiful life!

YOU deserve a beautiful life so go and get it!

Much Love,

Robyn