sexual abuse

Abuse

4 Lessons Learned From My Abusive Relationship

“If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.” – Unknown

I have literally lived this. For so many years, anytime I thought about the abuse in my past I just felt hurt and angry. And let’s be honest, I had every right to. The problem was that doing so was preventing me from moving forward and creating the happy, high energy life I wanted and knew I deserved.

So, I had to start looking at my past differently.

Yes, what happened was awful and undeserved and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody (okay maybe the vengeful side of me would wish it on my abuser but we won’t focus on that) but I sure as heck did learn A TON from those two years. Things I wouldn’t have learned nearly as quickly, or possibly at all, had I not faced that kind of adversity.

Here are the 4 lessons I learned from the abusive relationship in my past.

Lesson #1: I Am Worth Fighting For

When I first met my abuser, I was very much a people pleaser. I did anything and everything possible to avoid any rocking of the boat or any kind of contention.

This meant that I spent a lot of time disregarding my own wants and needs. If someone had a strong opinion about something or wanted to do something their way, I quickly and eagerly went along. Even if I didn’t agree. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted. Even if it hurt me.

I did anything to avoid an argument or a disagreement.

I truly believe that this is one of the main reasons my abuser was able to get such a strong hold of me. He saw that in me from the get go. He saw that I was eager to please and avoided contention at all costs. He took advantage of that, and let’s be honest, that sucks.

It sucks to look back on it and see, with 20/20 vision, that he was just cruel and, dare I say evil enough to exploit the peacemaker in me. To take one of my good qualities and use it against me.

BUT. . .

If he hadn’t. . .I don’t know that I would have ever figured out that my voice mattered too. And if I did, it would have taken me many many more years. I went through the refiners fire. I was under such an insane amount of pressure that I was forced to make a change much quicker than if I had just spent a life time always doing what I had always done: avoided rocking the boat.

When it’s just a bunch of little things, it’s so easy to just disregard your feelings or you wants. It’s so easy to brush it off and say to yourself, “Meh, I didn’t care about it that much” or “It wasn’t that important to me”.

But when you are made to feel stupid for getting upset that you’ve been cheated on (again) or you are constantly ridiculed for doing or saying the wrong thing, there comes a time that you reach your breaking point. And maybe for some that only takes a couple of months, but for others it may be years.

My breaking point was two years. It was two years before I couldn’t stand it any longer. I broke. But now I see that I broke in the best way possible.

It was because I had felt so silenced and disregarded for so long that I was finally able to push past the discomfort of contention and stand up for myself. Though it took me two years, I finally did figure out that what I wanted WAS IMPORTANT. What I needed DID MATTER.

I was worth fighting for. I was worth the contention!

If I hadn’t had a voice for two years, if I hadn’t been so disregarded and disrespected for such a long time, I would have continued on as I always had: Eager to please. Never standing up for myself. Never fighting for me.

Before my abusive relationship, everyones needs came before my own.

No more. I now see that my needs and my voice are just as important as anyone else’s.

And so are yours.

Lesson #2: My Mistakes Are Not The Reason I Was Abused

For years and years after getting out, I was so embarrassed and so ashamed of what had happened. Not necessarily because of the abuse but because I believed that what I had experienced and what I had been through was a direct result of the stupid choices I made.

I made poor choices, put myself in that position, and therefore “got what I deserved”. Sounds pretty harsh but it’s exactly how I felt.

Paradigme Shift

Do you know anyone who has made a mistake? Someone who has done something wrong or straight up stupid in their lifetime?

Yes? Okay. And of all those imperfect people you know, how many have ended up in an abusive relationship as a direct result of their poor choices?

All of them? Heavens no.

Granted, not a lot of people aren’t open about that kind of thing, but, by following that logic, if they’ve made mistakes then they must have been abused.

I mean, that’s what happened to you, right? If you had made better choices, if you hadn’t made those mistakes, you never would have been abused, right?

NO!

Where’s the disconnect??

I can promise you, not everyone has been in an abusive relationship BUT everyone has royally screwed up at some time in their life, if not time after time after time!

Yes, I made mistakes and yes, I made foolish choices. But literally everyone on this planet has and somehow not everyone on this planet ends up in an abusive relationship.

So what does that tell us? Mistakes = human. Mistakes ≠ abuse. It’s not because of your foolish choices you ended up in an abusive relationship. It’s because an abusive person used your mistakes to exploit you and take advantage of you.

The mistakes we made (and heaven knows we made them) are not the reason we were abused! I lost my virginity to a man I wasn’t married to. Do I wish now I hadn’t done that? Absolutely! But is it because of that mistake that I ended up in an abusive relationship? No.

People make mistakes every second of every day. Those mistakes do not lead to abuse. Abusive people lead to abuse, not the victims of abuse.

We always get up in arms about people “blaming the victim”. If we, the victims, can’t even see that we’re not to blame, how can anyone else?

It starts with us.

Your mistakes were not the reason you were abused. Once you believe that, then and only then, can you can start helping the rest of the world believe it too.

Lesson #3: People Are Good

I was a straight up prude in high school. Anytime I heard someone cuss or drop the F Bomb, I truly believed that because of that action alone, they were going to hell. Which is quite hilarious, too, considering only months after graduating high school, I was living with a man, drinking, and dropping plenty of F Bombs myself.

I’m far from proud of a lot of my behavior during that two year span but I’m grateful that in that time, I made a lot of friends with people who I would have condemned only months earlier. Turns out, when you drink, cuss and sleep with someone you’re not married to, you tend to gravitate towards people who live a similar lifestyle.

And guess what I learned?? People who smoke. . .they’re not bad people! *Gasp!* People who drink and have tattoos. . .they’re not bad people either! *Double Gasp*

Before I “fell off the deep end” myself, I legitimately had no idea! I was raised to believe that drugs and alcohol and swearing were all bad, awful and terrible things. I don’t recall ever being taught it directly, but I also believed that meant anyone who did those things were bad people too. Smoking is bad so if you smoke, you then, are bad too.

But guess what? Some of the most loving and kind and accepting people on this planet. . .they drink. They smoke and do drugs and swear like a sailor. And they have hearts of a saint. I fell of the deep end myself. I did all those “awful and terrible” things too and doing them didn’t turn me into a bad person. Did I make incredibly stupid choices that I regret? Also-freakin-lutely. But I was still incredibly loving and loyal and forgiving. I still had a good heart.

Bad person defined: a person who intentionally causes harm to others.

Do I believe that drinking is poor choice? Yes. Do I believe that doing drugs is poor choice? Yes. Do I believe that one should save sex for marriage? Yes.

But that’s what I believe. There are others who believe differently, AND THAT’S OKAY. We can have different beliefs and still be good people. We can make different choices than one another and still be good people. Just because someone is making choices that contradicts your beliefs, it does not mean they are a bad person!!

My abuser was a bad person. He intentionally caused me and others harm. He went out of his way to hurt others.

I could walk away from this experience believing that people are not trustworthy and horrible and all have bad intentions. . . But truthfully, in my two years with my abuser, I met dozens of good people (who I previously never would have even given a chance) and only ONE person who was a genuinely bad person.

A very big difference and a very valuable lesson.

Lesson #4: You can’t know Light Without Darkness

Here’s the thing. My husband treats me like a queen. He’s kind of the best thing in the world. He loves to spoil me, serve me and go above and beyond to make sure my needs and wants are met.

Just about every day he asks me, “What can I do to make your day better today?” Right?? Who is this man?!

I know, I know. I really scored in the husband department!

But here’s the thing: I don’t know that I would be aware of just how lucky I am unless I had been in a relationship where I was treated so poorly. Where the norm had become him cheating on me, always hitting on other girls in front of me and not answering my calls for reasons always unbeknownst to me.

Because this has been my previous experience, I’ve learned to really appreciate things that I think most women take for granted.

I feel so ecstatic and so blessed that my husband doesn’t cheat on me! I mean, WOW, what a great guy, am I right?? And when I’m crying, my wonderful husband holds me closer instead of barging out of the house and ignoring my texts and phone calls for hours on end.

Now, I’m not saying that women who have never been in abusive relationships don’t appreciate their husbands. I absolutely believe they do. But I also believe that they can’t help but take these good qualities for granted.

Just like I do with my home. Do I love the home I live in? ABSOLUTELY. Would I ever want to give it up? No way! But do I appreciate it as much as someone would who has been homeless with 2 young children for several years? There’s no way I could.

Date Night

My husband and I try to go on a date night once a week. A few months ago, we were going to hit a movie and then dinner. Well, my husband got caught up at work and ended up being late for the movie. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was really upset and frustrated with him. I mean, it was a our date night and I felt a commitment with me should be more important than whatever it was that held him up at work.

So, when he did show up at the movie theater, I was a bit sour with him. And then he apologized, kissed me and told me that he loved me. That didn’t make my anger magically melt away (I’m pretty dang stubborn when I’m upset) but it did get me thinking.

As we were walking up the sidewalk and into the theatre, I had a pretty powerful realization.

I thought, “He makes sure date night happens every week. And when we grab dinner, he never hits on our waitress. And you know what, he _apologized_ for being late. He didn’t turn it around on me and make me feel like I had done something wrong or that it was somehow my fault that he was late. Or better yet, he validated my feelings. He didn’t make me feel guilty or like I was a bag of sh. . .(excuse my language) for being upset.”

He showed up. He apologized. And he loved me despite my poor response to his tardiness.

My anger instantly melted away. It doesn’t always happen that way (in fact, it’s usually far from!) but when I make an effort to remind myself just how good I have it in my marriage, it makes it pretty darn hard to hold a grudge against a man who tries every day to give you the world.

While I was in the thick of my abusive relationship, you can bet I would have given anything to make it all go away. And there are definitely still times when I still wish none of it had happened.

But more often than not, I am so grateful for where it has led me in my life. What it has forced me to become: a more accepting and grateful woman who knows what she’s worth.

Much Love,

Courage

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Abuse

An Open Letter To The Man Who Treated Me Less Than Human

To The Man Who Treated Me Less Than Human,

Simply put, you were wrong. You were wrong about life and you were wrong about love.

I was not lucky to be yours. For the longest time I thought I was the luckiest girl because you chose me. I was so shy and unsure of myself and somehow I had caught the attention of someone so charming and funny. You could have any girl in the world and yet you chose me. I now see that you weren’t the catch, I was.

I did not deserve the way you treated me. I did not deserve to be made to feel like I was so easily replaceable. You made sure I knew how easy it would be for you to toss me to the wayside for one of the many girls you were always reminding me that was lined up and waiting for you. I did not deserve to be manipulated and guilted into having sex with you. I did not deserve you storming out the door and leaving me in a puddle of tears because I forgot to buy butter. I did not deserve to have to grovel at your feet and beg for sex anytime you were mad, just to get you to talk to me again.

You were not worth fighting for. For two years, I fought so hard to keep you in my life and to prove to you that I deserved you. I fought so hard to show you that I was worthy of your time and attention. All I wanted, more than anything in the world, was your approval and love. I thank God everyday that I finally stopped fighting for you. That I finally recognized you for what you were, even if it did take me two years.

You were wrong about people. For the longest time you had me believing that no one could be trusted. Everyone was out to get me and everyone had poor intentions. You did this to isolate me. To make me feel like I had no one to turn to but you. But since leaving you, I’ve been reminded that you couldn’t have been more wrong. For every terrible person out there, there are a 100 more who are good to the core. They are kind and accepting and loving. I’m sorry you couldn’t see that.

You were not the best I could get. In fact, my husband is living proof. You wanted me to believe that I would never get better than you. You had me believing that I didn’t even deserve you, so how could I possible hope for better? But guess what? I got a better man than you could ever even pretend to be. Like you, he is charming and he is charismatic. But unlike you, it is not an act. He is sincere. He is the kindest most selfless man I have ever met and his love for me is unconditional. He holds me when I’m crying instead of walking out of the room so he doesn’t have to hear it. He buys me jewelry because he loves to spoil me, not because he cheated on me. He knows I would do anything for him, just like you did and yet he doesn’t ask.

It wasn’t me, it was you. It is not my fault that you treated me so poorly.  I did nothing wrong. All along, everything I beat myself up about, everything I blamed myself for. . .none of it had anything to do with me. Every bit of it was because of you and your inability to care for another human being.

I am not jealous or crazy. The moment you were out of my life, things began to make sense again. I began to see that most people are good and kind. I began to realize that when I’m not being cheated on, I don’t get jealous. When I’m not being lied to and manipulated, I am trusting. Isn’t it crazy how that works?

I AM ENOUGH. I have always been enough. No matter my imperfections, no matter my mistakes, I am enough. The fact that you kept cheating on me has nothing to do with me or what I did wrong and has everything to do with the fact that you were incapable of being satisfied with one woman. It had everything to do with your inability to be pleased and nothing to do with my shortcomings.

You do not get to decide my worth. I am the daughter of a King. I was born with infinite worth. You do not get to decide if I am worthy of love and respect. You literally have no say in the matter, nor will you ever.  

You didn’t win. For a while, you did have complete control over me. I did anything and everything you ever asked of me. But the moment I walked out that door, you lost. The moment I saw you for what you truly were, it was game over. I took my life back and now I am fighting tooth and nail every single day to make sure you no longer hold any power over my mind.

You did not break me. You thought you could. You thought you had. You wanted me to feel weak, you wanted to keep me chained like an animal. But what you didn’t see is that I am a fighter. I am stronger than you will ever know.

To the man who treated me less than human. . .

Thank You.

Thank you for helping me appreciate what a good man my husband really is. I probably wouldn’t adore him as much for simply answering his phone anytime I call if you hadn’t rejected hundreds of mine. I probably wouldn’t appreciate his faithfulness to me as much if you hadn’t been unfaithful. I probably wouldn’t get overwhelmed with love and gratitude as much because my husband treats me like a queen if you hadn’t treated me like an animal.

Thank you for making my life a living hell so I could appreciate how beautiful life is without you. My life is far from perfect, but it sure feels perfect when I compare it to my days with you. When I start to get upset with my husband for being late for date night, I stop and remind myself that 1) he makes date night with me a priority every week, 2) he apologized for being late instead of getting mad at me for being upset about and 3) he proudly puts his arm around me and I don’t have to worry about him hitting on our waitress in front of me. You really help put things into perspective.

Thank you for showing me exactly what kind of treatment not to tolerate in my life. Before you came along, I let anyone and everyone walk all over me. Now, I have boundaries. You taught me that boundaries are a good thing. You taught me that people who don’t respect my boundaries don’t deserve a place in my life.

Thank you for helping me recognize that I matter too. Growing up, I always put others needs or wants before my own. I always did whatever it took to keep the peace, no matter what it meant for me. You knew that and you used that to your advantage every second of every day. There was your mistake. It was only because I had no voice for so long that I was finally able to recognize that my voice mattered too. What I want matters too. So, thanks to you, I now fight for myself. I now voice my opinions and stand up for myself. You taught me to fight for me. You taught me that I deserve to be happy too.

Thank you for making me stronger than I ever could have become on my own. You made me resilient. You made me a fighter. I wouldn’t be living the beautiful life I am now if it weren’t for you.

To the man who treated me less than human. . .

I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re hurting so much inside that you can’t see and enjoy the beautiful things that life has to offer. I’m sorry that the only way to alleviate your pain is by hurting others. I hope one day, you can break free of the chains, just as I have, and finally fly free so you can see the world for what it really is. . .

Beautiful.

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Abuse

It Wasn’t a Healthy Relationship. . .But Abusive?

“You understand that what your telling me indicates that this was an abusive relationship, right?”

.

.

.

I sat there, running that word over and over in my mind. I didn’t quite know what to make of what my therapist had just told me.

Abusive? Really. . ?

I knew my ex-boyfriend could be a real Class A Jerk sometimes but the fact that he could have been considered abusive had never crossed my mind.

As my therapist sat there patiently waiting for me to process what he had just told me, my mind raced through all the  reasons I was even sitting in this over sized sofa chair, pouring my deepest darkest secrets to a man I had just met.

It had been about 5 years since I had gotten out of what I had deemed an “unhealthy relationship” and I had been married 3 years to an incredible man who treated me like a queen. And yet, for some reason unbeknownst to me, what was supposed to be my happily ever after with this incredible man of mine. . .wasn’t turning out so happy.

My husband and I weren’t on the verge of divorce by any means but things were not great. Despite my best efforts, things from my past kept bubbling up. It was becoming harder and harder to just forget those two years I lived with my ex-boyfriend. My past was beginning to interfere with my day to day life in a way that I could no longer deny.

I was still having nightmares about my ex-boyfriend.

On almost a weekly basis, I would have a nightmare that I was still with my ex-boyfriend. In these nightmares, I always felt stuck. I always felt trapped and like there was no way to escape. My subconscious would launch me back into time and the feeling of hopelessness was overwhelming. All of the fear, all of the anxiety, all of the desperation was back full fledge. Of course, as soon as I would wake up and realize it was a just a nightmare I was relieved. But I always felt sick to my stomach and I would be in a funk for the rest of the day.

I didn’t understand it. I knew I was out, I knew I was safe.

So, why did I keep having these nightmares? And why did they feel so real?

I often found myself not able to put into words why I was so upset. 

Like every other couple in the world, my husband and I would have disagreements but every now and again, it was different. In fact, it usually didn’t even begin as an argument. We would just be having a conversation, or making plans on minute and the next I was feeling short tempered and taking it out on my husband.

Understandably, my husband would be baffled. In order to try and empathize and help he would ask, “Babe, what’s wrong? Why are you so upset?”

And I had nothing to tell him. Not because I was trying to withhold anything from him but because I didn’t understand it myself. I would search my mind for an answer and come up blank. It didn’t make sense, even in my own head. And I couldn’t explain my reactions or why I felt that way.

It wasn’t logical, it wasn’t reasonable but it consumed me nonetheless.

My husband would ask again, “Please, just help me understand. Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

All very reasonable requests but the more he would ask the more upset I would get. My husband heard these words come out of my mouth more than I’d like to admit: “I don’t know! I didn’t know the first time you asked and just because you keep asking doesn’t mean I’m magically going to have an answer! I don’t know!”

Yikes. My poor husband.

It wasn’t fair to either of us but I didn’t understand what’s going on inside my head anymore than he did and it was infuriating. I felt like I had no control over my emotions.

I felt like a crazy person.

These heated “conversations” never ended well because there were never any answers for either side. Both my husband and I were left feeling lost and hurt, neither of us understanding what had just happened.

Anything that reminded me of him made my stomach drop. 

It didn’t matter what it was. I hated driving past the place he worked while I was dating him, I hated going into the grocery story where he used to do all of his shopping. I couldn’t listen to certain songs or bands. The hardest one was going past the place he would take me to have sex in the back of the car during his lunch break. Or anytime I would see someone who looked even the tiniest bit like him. . .

Anytime these, amongst a many number of things, happened my stomach would drop, my chest tightened, and my face would get hot and flushed. Everything else around me would disappear and all I could focus on was that one trigger.

I never had any desire to be intimate with my husband, but more than that, just the thought of being intimate gave me anxiety.

The biggest problem I faced was my sex life. In fact, this was the main reason I had finally worked up the courage to set up an appointment with this therapist. My sex life was on the rocks and as much as I hated to admit it, it was really taking a toll on my marriage.

I was now married to the most amazing man on earth who had never hurt me and yet I couldn’t help but tense up anytime he kissed me or lovingly touched me because I was terrified of where it could possibly lead.

I never wanted sex but I always gave it because I felt guilty saying no.

I hated foreplay, I would have rather just gotten it over with.

Sex was not about love or connection, it was about taking care of your man.

Sex was a must, not a choice.

I never wanted to try anything new because I didn’t feel like I could say no or stop once it started.

My Breaking Point

All of these things were happening more and more regularly. It was like the longer and harder I tried to push these memories down and pretend they weren’t there, the more I would explode when the pressure became too much.

As much as I wanted to leave it all in the past, it was becoming more and more clear that it was going to come up one way or another. Looking back on it, I was clearly not okay but that’s not what got me to make the call to schedule my first appointment with this therapist.

I called because my marriage was suffering. My husband had done everything he could to be patient and understanding but, truthfully, it wasn’t fair of me to ask that of him anymore.

He deserved answers as much as I did.

That’s why I was sitting in this chair digging up the past I had worked so hard to bury. That’s why I had made the call. I was done letting my crappy relationship in my past have a negative affect on my incredible marriage. I was done letting him still have power over me.

I took the power back by giving my demons a name. By coming to learn and understand what I had been through instead of just hating and blaming myself for it.

This has made all the difference for me.

Defining Abuse

For the longest time I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship because my own personal definition of abuse was so skewed. I had no idea that abuse could be anything else but physical and I know I’m not the only one.

For this reason, I want to share the definition of abuse found on The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

“Domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.”

They go on to say, “Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.”

Like I said before, I was never physically harmed. He never hit me, he never beat me but this definition clearly states that that’s not all that’s involved in abusive relationships. In fact, physical harm is just one of nine different behaviors listed.

If you’ll allow, I’d like to share with you a few paragraphs I have pulled from a few of my journal entries in the two years I was with my abusive boyfriend.

When I wrote these journal entries 7.5 years ago, I didn’t have anyone in my life who knew what was really going on behind closed doors so writing became my outlet. When I wrote these, I had no intention of ever sharing them with anyone but I choose to share them now because they do a great job of showing the pain and torment that can be inflicted on someone without ever laying a finger on them.

Please be warned that they may be triggering so please proceed with caution.

*Names have been edited out for the sake of privacy.

October 2010

“He kinda makes me sad a lot too. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose but sometimes I don’t think he even knows he’s hurting me. Sometimes I think he does but he doesn’t care. It really bothers me cause I feel like he is always trying to make me feel bad. Even when he’s the one who hurts me, he always finds away to make me feel bad for him and make it so I’m the one who is comforting him. Sometimes he makes me feel really stupid and like I don’t know anything.”

October 12, 2010

“I’m not gonna lie, I really am worried about what he is doing right now. I’m worried he’s out getting drunk and doing who knows what with who knows who. He says he will never cheat on me, and I believe him most of the time. I just don’t believe it when he’s mad at me. I almost feel like he’s just going to go out with some other girl and do stuff with her kind of just to spite me and show me that he can get any girl he wants. . .

I really don’t understand him. Just this morning he sent me a text that said, “Some days I just want to marry you so bad!!! Today is one of those days. I LOVE you Robyn.”. . .

I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid this will never end. I’m so afraid that he’s going to keep on hurting me like this.”

October 21, 2010 – Thursday

“To tell you the honest and complete truth. . .for the first time in my whole entire life I just barely considered actually cutting my wrists. . .I don’t know if I really believe that it will make me feel any better but I think I probably thought about it because I want to get his attention. Is that not the stupidest thing ever? I just thought about how if he came home and my wrists were all bloody then he would hold me and make me feel better. At least that’s what I hope would happen. The sad part is that I don’t even know if he would do that. When he’s mad I feel like he doesn’t give a crap how I feel, he only cares that he’s mad. I was almost so excited cause we had almost gone THE WHOLE WEEK without any incidences where he was mad at me. So much for that. What should I do? I just sent him a text that said baby please come home 🙁 I am pathetic. I would do almost anything to make it so he’s not mad at me anymore. It doesn’t matter if I feel like he’s mad at me for no good reason, like tonight. Either way, I always find myself begging for his forgiveness. I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever felt like I was whipped. And no, not a cute funny way. In a way that he can manipulate my feelings and make me do and say things that I wouldn’t usually.”

June 24, 2011

“It’s been a while since I’ve last written and boy oh boy do I have a lot to catch you up on. I’ve been needing to do this for a while now but not necessarily because I feel like I have to catch up on everything that has been going on. The main reason is because I just need someone to talk to. Someone to express my frustrations to and sadly enough. . .a computer is all I have. I have no friends to just vent to, especially when it comes to me and (him). Actually, to tell you the honest truth, I don’t feel like I have any friends at all. . .

I can’t even tell you how many nights I lie awake for hours crying and stressing about things I’m afraid he has lied to me about. He says that he will tell me everything when we get married. . .another statement that scares me quite a bit. . .

I really just feel like he isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. He’s not willing to stop flirting with and texting other girls even though he knows it upsets me. .

It makes me feel like he’s unsatisfied with me. He says that he is just texting all of these other girls as a security device in case I ever leave him. I hate this more than anything. . .

Even if he isn’t have sex with anyone else and only flirting, etc it still makes me feel like I have competition. Am I so wrong to think that I shouldn’t have to feel that way when he is my boyfriend. I could handle feeling that way over the summer when we were both dating different people but I can’t stand feeling like there is constant competition. He says that it should just make me want to work harder for him, but quite frankly it just pisses me off. Nothing makes me more upset than when I feel like (he) is just flauting himself at other women. Is it really that unexpected for a girlfriend to get upset when her boyfriend is handing out his number to other girls when she is living with him???

Sometimes I’m convinced that I’ve been so messed up that I need a therapist or a counsler to help me figure my thoughts and my life out. I feel like I need someone to tell me that I’m not crazy, that I have good reason for being scared all the time. That I have good reason for constantly wanting to check my boyfriends phone, that I have good reason for crying and being so emotional all the time, that I have good reason for being crazy. . .

The only thing is that I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to start trusting (him) again when I have such a hard time believing a thing he says. I don’t know how to stop obsessing over him flirting and texting other girls. I wish I could just ask him to stop texting other girls but even if he really did stop, I probably wouldn’t believe him.

 

Recognizing my past relationship for what it was has saved my life. Not because I had thought about ending it but because it has allowed me to truly live. I had no idea the fog I was living in until it began to clear.

The abuse in my past had altered my ability to be intimate, my ability to communicate, and my ability to control my emotions. I was not okay.

Next to ending things with my abusive ex-boyfriend, beginning to see a therapist and finally facing my demons head on has been the hardest and bravest thing I’ve ever done and it has been life changing.

My life still isn’t perfect, nor will it ever be, but my past no longer controls my present. I’m learning how to process what happened to me instead of ignoring it and for the first time in over 7 years, I feel free. I feel like the chains are finally being lifted and I’m free to fly.

It’s an incredible feeling. I invite you to join me.

Much Love,

Robyn

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Abuse

It’s Not Your Fault

When I was in the thick of my abusive relationship, what helped me more than anything was the day I became aware. Aware that the way he was treating me wasn’t okay, that it wasn’t justified. I knew that it didn’t feel okay but, like most abuse victims, I had been led to believe that the way he was treating me was my fault. May I share a personal experience that illustrates this? It’s not pretty and frankly, it’s vulgar. But abuse is just that.

I don’t remember what led up to it but one night, he put a potato chip between his bare butt cheeks and told me to get it out of there with my mouth and eat it. I thought he was kidding so I laughingly said, “No way!” He continued to push it and I kept refusing. The possibility that he was actually serious never even entered my mind. He eventually said, “If you don’t do it, no sex for a week.” He was obviously irritated that I hadn’t caved yet. I was disgusted by the demand and I responded with, “That’s just fine. There’s no way I’m doing it!” He was furious. He stormed out of the kitchen and into the TV room, fuming.

My disgust was instantly replaced by overwhelming regret. I had obviously just done something very, very wrong. So many thoughts went racing into my mind all at once:

“You idiot!!! You should have just eaten the chip! It wasn’t that big of a deal. You are so stupid! This wouldn’t have happened if you had just done it. Now the night is ruined and it’s your fault!”

I started crying out of fear and frustration. How could I be so stupid? I had learned from experience that he wasn’t to be bothered with my emotions so I did my best to compose myself before heading into the TV room. We both knew how this worked. He would lie on the couch, stone cold with his back to me and I would assume position on my knees next to the couch and beg and plead for forgiveness. I would apologize for everything and verbally tear myself apart by saying how stupid and how wrong I was. This was the first step to gaining his “forgiveness”. After he felt I had done enough groveling, he would turn his body towards me, ever so slightly. I knew this meant that he was ready. Ready for me to initiate sex. Beg for it. Plead for him to be with me, despite my apparent wrong doings and unworthiness. That was the second step. After all was said and done, step three was to thank him. Thank him for his patience and forgiveness. Thank him for accepting me despite my constant foolishness and idiotic mistakes.

This is a perfect example of believing that I deserved the way he was treating me. Again, I knew that the way he treated me didn’t FEEL okay. I was far from happy. I was hurt, I was scared, I was often times incredibly frustrated and discouraged. I never knew how he would react to anything I did. Because of this, I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate what I would unknowingly do wrong next.

Over five years later and I’m finally realizing that I wasn’t the problem. For two years, anytime he would get really mad I would instantly start looking for what I did wrong. What did I do wrong? 

Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. 

The questions running through my mind should have been more along the lines of, “What is upsetting him?” or “Why is he overreacting about this?” It wasn’t me that was the problem, it was him.

I currently have a two year old and as we all know, two year olds are known for throwing tantrums for the most ridiculous reasons. It helps me to think about abuse like that. When my two year old is throwing a giant fit because he wanted the green cup NOT the blue one I don’t stop and tear myself apart because HE is screaming and yelling. I don’t think, “Oh my gosh what did I do wrong?? I’m so stupid! I should have known that he would want the green one (even though blue was his favorite yesterday). This is all my fault!”

No.

I don’t get upset with myself at all because I did absolutely nothing wrong. Just because my two year old is losing his crap doesn’t mean I have to take responsibility for his negative emotions. He’s two and he’s emotionally immature. The same goes for the abuser. Their reaction is due to their mentality and NOT your actions.

You are not stuck and you have options! These are truths that I didn’t realize when I was in the thick of it. I think one of the huge reasons I stuck around for so long is because I felt like I had “made my bed and now I had to lie in it”. I had made the decision to be his girlfriend, move in with him, etc and now I had to deal with the consequences. Well, newsflash!! You don’t have to keep lying in it! Just because you possibly made some poor choices doesn’t mean you deserve the way you’ve been treated and it most definitely doesn’t mean you have to stay there!! Trust me, you’ve already suffered enough and you know it. Stop blaming yourself for your circumstances and get out and let yourself be happy! Please, please, please remember that I DO know how hard this is! And I’m telling you it’s worth it.

You are worth it.

So fight. Fight for yourself again. I remember thinking so many times in that two year window, “I don’t know if I can take this anymore” and “I’m so afraid this will never end.” I was right, it never did. My life was hell until I made the choice to get out. Believe me when I say that from the second I walked out that door, I have only found more peace and more happiness. No, it most definitely wasn’t easy but it was worth it.  Honestly, the hardest part was making the decision. I had tortured myself for so long on whether I had the courage to leave or not but the second, the second I decided to leave (and knew that I actually meant it this time), I felt so incredibly free.

In a way, I am grateful that he tried to make me eat that chip. It still makes me sick to think about but it was because of that experience that I got out. I’ll be sharing more about how I got out of my emotional and sexually abusive relationship next week! Subscribe below and you’ll receive an email when I make a new post.

Love to you all,

Robyn

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