Abuse

Abuse

4 Lessons Learned From My Abusive Relationship

“If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.” – Unknown

I have literally lived this. For so many years, anytime I thought about the abuse in my past I just felt hurt and angry. And let’s be honest, I had every right to. The problem was that doing so was preventing me from moving forward and creating the happy, high energy life I wanted and knew I deserved.

So, I had to start looking at my past differently.

Yes, what happened was awful and undeserved and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody (okay maybe the vengeful side of me would wish it on my abuser but we won’t focus on that) but I sure as heck did learn A TON from those two years. Things I wouldn’t have learned nearly as quickly, or possibly at all, had I not faced that kind of adversity.

Here are the 4 lessons I learned from the abusive relationship in my past.

Lesson #1: I Am Worth Fighting For

When I first met my abuser, I was very much a people pleaser. I did anything and everything possible to avoid any rocking of the boat or any kind of contention.

This meant that I spent a lot of time disregarding my own wants and needs. If someone had a strong opinion about something or wanted to do something their way, I quickly and eagerly went along. Even if I didn’t agree. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted. Even if it hurt me.

I did anything to avoid an argument or a disagreement.

I truly believe that this is one of the main reasons my abuser was able to get such a strong hold of me. He saw that in me from the get go. He saw that I was eager to please and avoided contention at all costs. He took advantage of that, and let’s be honest, that sucks.

It sucks to look back on it and see, with 20/20 vision, that he was just cruel and, dare I say evil enough to exploit the peacemaker in me. To take one of my good qualities and use it against me.

BUT. . .

If he hadn’t. . .I don’t know that I would have ever figured out that my voice mattered too. And if I did, it would have taken me many many more years. I went through the refiners fire. I was under such an insane amount of pressure that I was forced to make a change much quicker than if I had just spent a life time always doing what I had always done: avoided rocking the boat.

When it’s just a bunch of little things, it’s so easy to just disregard your feelings or you wants. It’s so easy to brush it off and say to yourself, “Meh, I didn’t care about it that much” or “It wasn’t that important to me”.

But when you are made to feel stupid for getting upset that you’ve been cheated on (again) or you are constantly ridiculed for doing or saying the wrong thing, there comes a time that you reach your breaking point. And maybe for some that only takes a couple of months, but for others it may be years.

My breaking point was two years. It was two years before I couldn’t stand it any longer. I broke. But now I see that I broke in the best way possible.

It was because I had felt so silenced and disregarded for so long that I was finally able to push past the discomfort of contention and stand up for myself. Though it took me two years, I finally did figure out that what I wanted WAS IMPORTANT. What I needed DID MATTER.

I was worth fighting for. I was worth the contention!

If I hadn’t had a voice for two years, if I hadn’t been so disregarded and disrespected for such a long time, I would have continued on as I always had: Eager to please. Never standing up for myself. Never fighting for me.

Before my abusive relationship, everyones needs came before my own.

No more. I now see that my needs and my voice are just as important as anyone else’s.

And so are yours.

Lesson #2: My Mistakes Are Not The Reason I Was Abused

For years and years after getting out, I was so embarrassed and so ashamed of what had happened. Not necessarily because of the abuse but because I believed that what I had experienced and what I had been through was a direct result of the stupid choices I made.

I made poor choices, put myself in that position, and therefore “got what I deserved”. Sounds pretty harsh but it’s exactly how I felt.

Paradigme Shift

Do you know anyone who has made a mistake? Someone who has done something wrong or straight up stupid in their lifetime?

Yes? Okay. And of all those imperfect people you know, how many have ended up in an abusive relationship as a direct result of their poor choices?

All of them? Heavens no.

Granted, not a lot of people aren’t open about that kind of thing, but, by following that logic, if they’ve made mistakes then they must have been abused.

I mean, that’s what happened to you, right? If you had made better choices, if you hadn’t made those mistakes, you never would have been abused, right?

NO!

Where’s the disconnect??

I can promise you, not everyone has been in an abusive relationship BUT everyone has royally screwed up at some time in their life, if not time after time after time!

Yes, I made mistakes and yes, I made foolish choices. But literally everyone on this planet has and somehow not everyone on this planet ends up in an abusive relationship.

So what does that tell us? Mistakes = human. Mistakes ≠ abuse. It’s not because of your foolish choices you ended up in an abusive relationship. It’s because an abusive person used your mistakes to exploit you and take advantage of you.

The mistakes we made (and heaven knows we made them) are not the reason we were abused! I lost my virginity to a man I wasn’t married to. Do I wish now I hadn’t done that? Absolutely! But is it because of that mistake that I ended up in an abusive relationship? No.

People make mistakes every second of every day. Those mistakes do not lead to abuse. Abusive people lead to abuse, not the victims of abuse.

We always get up in arms about people “blaming the victim”. If we, the victims, can’t even see that we’re not to blame, how can anyone else?

It starts with us.

Your mistakes were not the reason you were abused. Once you believe that, then and only then, can you can start helping the rest of the world believe it too.

Lesson #3: People Are Good

I was a straight up prude in high school. Anytime I heard someone cuss or drop the F Bomb, I truly believed that because of that action alone, they were going to hell. Which is quite hilarious, too, considering only months after graduating high school, I was living with a man, drinking, and dropping plenty of F Bombs myself.

I’m far from proud of a lot of my behavior during that two year span but I’m grateful that in that time, I made a lot of friends with people who I would have condemned only months earlier. Turns out, when you drink, cuss and sleep with someone you’re not married to, you tend to gravitate towards people who live a similar lifestyle.

And guess what I learned?? People who smoke. . .they’re not bad people! *Gasp!* People who drink and have tattoos. . .they’re not bad people either! *Double Gasp*

Before I “fell off the deep end” myself, I legitimately had no idea! I was raised to believe that drugs and alcohol and swearing were all bad, awful and terrible things. I don’t recall ever being taught it directly, but I also believed that meant anyone who did those things were bad people too. Smoking is bad so if you smoke, you then, are bad too.

But guess what? Some of the most loving and kind and accepting people on this planet. . .they drink. They smoke and do drugs and swear like a sailor. And they have hearts of a saint. I fell of the deep end myself. I did all those “awful and terrible” things too and doing them didn’t turn me into a bad person. Did I make incredibly stupid choices that I regret? Also-freakin-lutely. But I was still incredibly loving and loyal and forgiving. I still had a good heart.

Bad person defined: a person who intentionally causes harm to others.

Do I believe that drinking is poor choice? Yes. Do I believe that doing drugs is poor choice? Yes. Do I believe that one should save sex for marriage? Yes.

But that’s what I believe. There are others who believe differently, AND THAT’S OKAY. We can have different beliefs and still be good people. We can make different choices than one another and still be good people. Just because someone is making choices that contradicts your beliefs, it does not mean they are a bad person!!

My abuser was a bad person. He intentionally caused me and others harm. He went out of his way to hurt others.

I could walk away from this experience believing that people are not trustworthy and horrible and all have bad intentions. . . But truthfully, in my two years with my abuser, I met dozens of good people (who I previously never would have even given a chance) and only ONE person who was a genuinely bad person.

A very big difference and a very valuable lesson.

Lesson #4: You can’t know Light Without Darkness

Here’s the thing. My husband treats me like a queen. He’s kind of the best thing in the world. He loves to spoil me, serve me and go above and beyond to make sure my needs and wants are met.

Just about every day he asks me, “What can I do to make your day better today?” Right?? Who is this man?!

I know, I know. I really scored in the husband department!

But here’s the thing: I don’t know that I would be aware of just how lucky I am unless I had been in a relationship where I was treated so poorly. Where the norm had become him cheating on me, always hitting on other girls in front of me and not answering my calls for reasons always unbeknownst to me.

Because this has been my previous experience, I’ve learned to really appreciate things that I think most women take for granted.

I feel so ecstatic and so blessed that my husband doesn’t cheat on me! I mean, WOW, what a great guy, am I right?? And when I’m crying, my wonderful husband holds me closer instead of barging out of the house and ignoring my texts and phone calls for hours on end.

Now, I’m not saying that women who have never been in abusive relationships don’t appreciate their husbands. I absolutely believe they do. But I also believe that they can’t help but take these good qualities for granted.

Just like I do with my home. Do I love the home I live in? ABSOLUTELY. Would I ever want to give it up? No way! But do I appreciate it as much as someone would who has been homeless with 2 young children for several years? There’s no way I could.

Date Night

My husband and I try to go on a date night once a week. A few months ago, we were going to hit a movie and then dinner. Well, my husband got caught up at work and ended up being late for the movie. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was really upset and frustrated with him. I mean, it was a our date night and I felt a commitment with me should be more important than whatever it was that held him up at work.

So, when he did show up at the movie theater, I was a bit sour with him. And then he apologized, kissed me and told me that he loved me. That didn’t make my anger magically melt away (I’m pretty dang stubborn when I’m upset) but it did get me thinking.

As we were walking up the sidewalk and into the theatre, I had a pretty powerful realization.

I thought, “He makes sure date night happens every week. And when we grab dinner, he never hits on our waitress. And you know what, he _apologized_ for being late. He didn’t turn it around on me and make me feel like I had done something wrong or that it was somehow my fault that he was late. Or better yet, he validated my feelings. He didn’t make me feel guilty or like I was a bag of sh. . .(excuse my language) for being upset.”

He showed up. He apologized. And he loved me despite my poor response to his tardiness.

My anger instantly melted away. It doesn’t always happen that way (in fact, it’s usually far from!) but when I make an effort to remind myself just how good I have it in my marriage, it makes it pretty darn hard to hold a grudge against a man who tries every day to give you the world.

While I was in the thick of my abusive relationship, you can bet I would have given anything to make it all go away. And there are definitely still times when I still wish none of it had happened.

But more often than not, I am so grateful for where it has led me in my life. What it has forced me to become: a more accepting and grateful woman who knows what she’s worth.

Much Love,

Courage

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Abuse

An Open Letter To The Man Who Treated Me Less Than Human

To The Man Who Treated Me Less Than Human,

Simply put, you were wrong. You were wrong about life and you were wrong about love.

I was not lucky to be yours. For the longest time I thought I was the luckiest girl because you chose me. I was so shy and unsure of myself and somehow I had caught the attention of someone so charming and funny. You could have any girl in the world and yet you chose me. I now see that you weren’t the catch, I was.

I did not deserve the way you treated me. I did not deserve to be made to feel like I was so easily replaceable. You made sure I knew how easy it would be for you to toss me to the wayside for one of the many girls you were always reminding me that was lined up and waiting for you. I did not deserve to be manipulated and guilted into having sex with you. I did not deserve you storming out the door and leaving me in a puddle of tears because I forgot to buy butter. I did not deserve to have to grovel at your feet and beg for sex anytime you were mad, just to get you to talk to me again.

You were not worth fighting for. For two years, I fought so hard to keep you in my life and to prove to you that I deserved you. I fought so hard to show you that I was worthy of your time and attention. All I wanted, more than anything in the world, was your approval and love. I thank God everyday that I finally stopped fighting for you. That I finally recognized you for what you were, even if it did take me two years.

You were wrong about people. For the longest time you had me believing that no one could be trusted. Everyone was out to get me and everyone had poor intentions. You did this to isolate me. To make me feel like I had no one to turn to but you. But since leaving you, I’ve been reminded that you couldn’t have been more wrong. For every terrible person out there, there are a 100 more who are good to the core. They are kind and accepting and loving. I’m sorry you couldn’t see that.

You were not the best I could get. In fact, my husband is living proof. You wanted me to believe that I would never get better than you. You had me believing that I didn’t even deserve you, so how could I possible hope for better? But guess what? I got a better man than you could ever even pretend to be. Like you, he is charming and he is charismatic. But unlike you, it is not an act. He is sincere. He is the kindest most selfless man I have ever met and his love for me is unconditional. He holds me when I’m crying instead of walking out of the room so he doesn’t have to hear it. He buys me jewelry because he loves to spoil me, not because he cheated on me. He knows I would do anything for him, just like you did and yet he doesn’t ask.

It wasn’t me, it was you. It is not my fault that you treated me so poorly.  I did nothing wrong. All along, everything I beat myself up about, everything I blamed myself for. . .none of it had anything to do with me. Every bit of it was because of you and your inability to care for another human being.

I am not jealous or crazy. The moment you were out of my life, things began to make sense again. I began to see that most people are good and kind. I began to realize that when I’m not being cheated on, I don’t get jealous. When I’m not being lied to and manipulated, I am trusting. Isn’t it crazy how that works?

I AM ENOUGH. I have always been enough. No matter my imperfections, no matter my mistakes, I am enough. The fact that you kept cheating on me has nothing to do with me or what I did wrong and has everything to do with the fact that you were incapable of being satisfied with one woman. It had everything to do with your inability to be pleased and nothing to do with my shortcomings.

You do not get to decide my worth. I am the daughter of a King. I was born with infinite worth. You do not get to decide if I am worthy of love and respect. You literally have no say in the matter, nor will you ever.  

You didn’t win. For a while, you did have complete control over me. I did anything and everything you ever asked of me. But the moment I walked out that door, you lost. The moment I saw you for what you truly were, it was game over. I took my life back and now I am fighting tooth and nail every single day to make sure you no longer hold any power over my mind.

You did not break me. You thought you could. You thought you had. You wanted me to feel weak, you wanted to keep me chained like an animal. But what you didn’t see is that I am a fighter. I am stronger than you will ever know.

To the man who treated me less than human. . .

Thank You.

Thank you for helping me appreciate what a good man my husband really is. I probably wouldn’t adore him as much for simply answering his phone anytime I call if you hadn’t rejected hundreds of mine. I probably wouldn’t appreciate his faithfulness to me as much if you hadn’t been unfaithful. I probably wouldn’t get overwhelmed with love and gratitude as much because my husband treats me like a queen if you hadn’t treated me like an animal.

Thank you for making my life a living hell so I could appreciate how beautiful life is without you. My life is far from perfect, but it sure feels perfect when I compare it to my days with you. When I start to get upset with my husband for being late for date night, I stop and remind myself that 1) he makes date night with me a priority every week, 2) he apologized for being late instead of getting mad at me for being upset about and 3) he proudly puts his arm around me and I don’t have to worry about him hitting on our waitress in front of me. You really help put things into perspective.

Thank you for showing me exactly what kind of treatment not to tolerate in my life. Before you came along, I let anyone and everyone walk all over me. Now, I have boundaries. You taught me that boundaries are a good thing. You taught me that people who don’t respect my boundaries don’t deserve a place in my life.

Thank you for helping me recognize that I matter too. Growing up, I always put others needs or wants before my own. I always did whatever it took to keep the peace, no matter what it meant for me. You knew that and you used that to your advantage every second of every day. There was your mistake. It was only because I had no voice for so long that I was finally able to recognize that my voice mattered too. What I want matters too. So, thanks to you, I now fight for myself. I now voice my opinions and stand up for myself. You taught me to fight for me. You taught me that I deserve to be happy too.

Thank you for making me stronger than I ever could have become on my own. You made me resilient. You made me a fighter. I wouldn’t be living the beautiful life I am now if it weren’t for you.

To the man who treated me less than human. . .

I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re hurting so much inside that you can’t see and enjoy the beautiful things that life has to offer. I’m sorry that the only way to alleviate your pain is by hurting others. I hope one day, you can break free of the chains, just as I have, and finally fly free so you can see the world for what it really is. . .

Beautiful.

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Abuse

Therapy Wasn’t For Me. . .Until It Was

“I’m getting by just fine on my own, I don’t need therapy.”

“Yeah, some crappy things happened in my past, but they’re in my past. I’m fine.”

“It happened so long ago, digging it up will only make things worse.”

These are all things I had told myself a million times and I truly believed them to my core.

Therapy wasn’t for me. . .until it was.

Everything in my life had pretty much come to a breaking point. The sexually and emotionally abusive relationship from my past was catching up with me, no matter how hard I tried to deny it. In fact, I waited until my past had become so burdensome that I could barely function as a wife, as a mother, and as a human being before I was willing to admit that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t okay.

Maybe I couldn’t just take care of this thing on my own.

Maybe I needed help.

Finding and scheduling that first appointment with a therapist was a huge milestone for me. I had finally accepted that burying it and pretending it never happened wasn’t working so well. The first step then: Pick up a shovel, start digging up your past.

It was something my husband and I had talked about me doing for months.  My husband never pushed it but week after week when he would gently ask if I had scheduled an appointment, I always dodged it.  “Yeah, I should do that”, “Yeah, I’ll get around to it”, “Yeah, I keep meaning too, I just always remember on the weekends”, “Yeah, I need to talk to our insurance and see who they’ll cover first”.

I was dragging my feet big time.

Why?

At the time, it felt like there were so many reasons but really it all came down to one:

I was scared.

The unknown and unexpected were terrifying to me. I didn’t feel ready to take on what felt like the next giant leap.

I was worried because, previously, every time my past did come up (usually against my will) I was left feeling raw. So raw and vulnerable, in fact, that I usually found myself numbing, avoiding responsibilities, and barely able to function for a day or two.

On top of that, I was worried that if I did decide to dig up my past, feeling numb or horribly depressed could potentially become my new normal all day, everyday for who knew how long and that was terrifying to me. Even though I knew that things would potentially be better in the long run, I was terrified of what the middle would hold and how long I might be there.

Despite all of these worries and fears, I knew I had to do it. I knew that if I wanted my past to stop having power over me and stop negatively affecting my ability to be the wife and mother my family deserved, I needed to face my past head on.

But knowing I should and actually doing it were two very different things.

How did I work up the courage to schedule that first appointment?

First, I had to learn something new about fear.

For my entire life, I pretty much avoided doing anything and everything I was afraid of. Striking up a conversation with a stranger, lifting weights in a gym full of incredibly fit people, answering the door when I wasn’t expecting anyone. . .If it made me uncomfortable, you could pretty much guarantee that I avoided it at all costs.  

Then I learned something incredibly valuable about fear.

There are two different kinds of fear: fear that kills and fear that grows.

What do I mean by this? I mean that our brains purpose is to keep us alive! Therefore, our brains send us signals anytime there is something to fear because it’s trying to protect us, keep us alive. The unfortunate part is that it doesn’t recognize the difference between fear that kills and fear that grows. It just knows fear is fear – avoid it. So when you feel fear, your brain practically screams at you, “Don’t do it! This could kill us!!” Your heart races, you feel a pit in your stomach, your senses intensify. . .all of which happens in hopes that you’ll run in the opposite direction. And when you do, your brain sighs a big sigh of relief and thinks. . .”Your welcome, I just saved our life.”

So, what I had to do was teach my brain that there is a difference between the two.

I did this by making a list. Fear that kills vs Fear that grows. I literally had to show myself that they were two very different things. Under the “Fear that kills” list I put things like bears, walking into dark alleys alone, driving recklessly, etc.

Under “Fear that grows” I put talking to strangers, speaking in public, sharing my story of abuse, scheduling an appointment with a therapist, etc.

Doing this taught my brain that it had every right to be afraid of bears and cliff jumping and dark alleys and I should avoid doing those things because stuff like that really could end up getting me killed. But other fears. . .like my fear of seeing a therapist. . .that was not going to kill me. And if I know it’s not going to kill me, then I know it will grow me.

There’s fear that kills and there’s fear that grows.

Since learning this, I try to recognize when I’m avoiding something or backing off of something because I’m afraid. Then I ask myself, “Is this a fear that will kill me?” And if the answer is no, I do my best to move forward and lean into the growth.

I had to do this exact thing when I first made the call to schedule an appointment with the therapist. My heart was racing and I was genuinely afraid to make that call. But I stopped, took a deep breath, and said, “Will making this call kill me?” No. No, it will not.

I made the call.

Yes I was nervous, yes it was outside of my comfort zone, but I’m happy to report. . .I did not die.

My experience with my first therapist

My experience with my first therapist was not a bad one, but it wasn’t great either. I only ended up seeing him for a couple of months for a couple of reasons.

  1. He wasn’t a great fit for me. He wasn’t bad by any means and in fact he was the first to tell me that I was in an abusive relationship but I just never really felt comfortable with him. It may have been because he was kind of a goof, which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with, it just wasn’t what I wanted or needed when talking about something so hard and vulnerable.
  2. My fears of digging up my past were coming true. Not nearly as bad as I had worked up in my mind but I left most appointments feeling raw and broken just because so many hard things were brought up and rehashed. I usually came home and felt super emotional and then felt numb for the next day or two. Not super depressed and down but not happy either. Just blah. I felt like I was just existing.
  3. There were moments and days where I really felt like the therapy was working. Learning more about abuse and more about how it wasn’t my fault was helping me better understand myself, my reactions and relationships but that’s about the only way it helped me. I was still having nightmares. I was still having arguments with my husband about nothing. I was still overly anxious and terrified at even the thought of having sex with my husband. I felt like I was being triggered just as often, if not more than, as when I began therapy. Simply put, I didn’t feel like the trauma itself was resolving at all.

Needless to say, I was incredibly discouraged. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had failed my family and my husband. I was so sure therapy was the answer, that it was going to help me heal. I was so hopeful that things were finally going to start changing for me. I felt like I had learned a lot but all the pain, all of the hurt was still there and that’s what I wanted gone more than anything else.

So, I stopped going to that therapist and just kind of told myself that it wasn’t a great fit and I’d find someone else eventually.

Fast forward 5 months and I still hadn’t even tried to find a different therapist.

Thankfully, I happened to stumble upon a free retreat for woman who were sexually abused when they were 18 or younger. I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the Safe Haven retreat and it was life changing. Largely because it was at this retreat that I first learned about something call EMDR therapy.

EMDR Therapy

Before this retreat, I didn’t even know there were different kinds of therapy. I thought therapy was when you went and talked to someone with a license about all your problems and they help you work them out. And that’s pretty much what my experience was with my first therapist and it wasn’t great. It didn’t help in the long run.

But then, at this retreat, not only did I learn that EMDR therapy was a thing but I also found out that it is the best practice for those who have trauma in their past! There were several women at the retreat who had done it before and they all said it was life changing.

So, what exactly is EMDR therapy?

I love how the EMDR Institute, Inc, describes it in an understandable way:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.  Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal.  EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.  When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound.  If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes.  The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health.  If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes.

My decision to seek out an EMDR therapist

After coming home from this retreat, I was cautiously optimistic. I had learned a lot and even came home with a lot of good tools in my tool belt to help me along my healing journey. But, I had learned a lot from my previous therapist too and still nothing seemed to change so maybe this would be the same?

Thankfully, that wasn’t the case because the best tool I came home with was my new determination to seek out an EMDR specialized therapist.

One thing about determination for me though is that it gets off track quite often, especially when it leads to potentially uncomfortable things! So even though I was “gungho” about trying out this new type of therapist, it still took me almost two months to actually work up the courage (again!) to make that first call and set up an appointment.

And boy, oh boy am I glad I did.

My experience with EMDR therapy

I’m going to be completely straight with you right now and say that I don’t love EMDR therapy because it’s easy.

It’s not easy at all. But it has been incredibly effective!

I feel like I healed more in my first two appointments than I did in the 4 months I was going to my first therapist. Like I said, the appointments themselves aren’t easy, but for the first time in 7 years things were changing. I was changing. I was processing what had happened to me instead of just talking about it.

What has changed for me since starting EMDR therapy 4 months ago

  • My definition of “fine” has changed. Before starting therapy, I was doing just fine. I really was. But I now see that “fine” then just meant I wasn’t drowning. I wasn’t dying. But I wasn’t living either. I was just surviving.
  • Life has so much more color! I feel like the world is so much brighter now that the fog is clearing up. My days are filled with so much more happiness and joy instead of just feeling “blah” all day everyday. I’m more playful and fun! I’m more confident and outgoing.
  • I’m a dreamer! I’m more determined to go for goals and actually get them instead of giving up two weeks in like I always used to do.
  • It’s not perfect yet, but there are a number of times I have actually wanted to be intimate with my husband. Not because I felt like I should or I had to, but because I wanted to. For the first time in my life, sex felt like it was for me too and it was about love and connection, not desire.
  • My past no longer determines my future. I’m in control of my present and my future. I’ve learned that I can create whatever life I want to live.

I could really go on forever about how much EMDR therapy has helped me but to put it simply, it has helped me break free of the chains that have kept me tied down and bound for so long. After each and every appointment, I walk away feeling a bit lighter and my wings are able to spread a little bit further.

Don’t be afraid to keep looking

If you don’t mesh well with your therapist for any reason at all, keep looking!! Not all friends are a good fit, not all therapists are going to be a good fit either. Let yourself be picky! You are paying them money to help you so if you don’t feel like you’re being helped in the way you want, move on. But keep moving. Don’t make the mistake I did and just give up all together. Find someone else right away.

The sooner you face your past, the sooner you can stop living a repeat life.

Don’t be like me and wait until your life is in shambles before asking for help. Get help now and I promise you, you will avoid so much hurt and pain for yourself and your family in the future.

Resources

If you would like to find an EMDR therapist, click here to search for EMDR specialized therapists in your area. This link makes it incredibly straightforward and easy. I love, love, love my therapist and I’m so glad I kept looking because the right kind of therapy with the right therapist is a recipe for a beautiful life!

YOU deserve a beautiful life so go and get it!

Much Love,

Robyn

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Abuse

It Wasn’t a Healthy Relationship. . .But Abusive?

“You understand that what your telling me indicates that this was an abusive relationship, right?”

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.

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I sat there, running that word over and over in my mind. I didn’t quite know what to make of what my therapist had just told me.

Abusive? Really. . ?

I knew my ex-boyfriend could be a real Class A Jerk sometimes but the fact that he could have been considered abusive had never crossed my mind.

As my therapist sat there patiently waiting for me to process what he had just told me, my mind raced through all the  reasons I was even sitting in this over sized sofa chair, pouring my deepest darkest secrets to a man I had just met.

It had been about 5 years since I had gotten out of what I had deemed an “unhealthy relationship” and I had been married 3 years to an incredible man who treated me like a queen. And yet, for some reason unbeknownst to me, what was supposed to be my happily ever after with this incredible man of mine. . .wasn’t turning out so happy.

My husband and I weren’t on the verge of divorce by any means but things were not great. Despite my best efforts, things from my past kept bubbling up. It was becoming harder and harder to just forget those two years I lived with my ex-boyfriend. My past was beginning to interfere with my day to day life in a way that I could no longer deny.

I was still having nightmares about my ex-boyfriend.

On almost a weekly basis, I would have a nightmare that I was still with my ex-boyfriend. In these nightmares, I always felt stuck. I always felt trapped and like there was no way to escape. My subconscious would launch me back into time and the feeling of hopelessness was overwhelming. All of the fear, all of the anxiety, all of the desperation was back full fledge. Of course, as soon as I would wake up and realize it was a just a nightmare I was relieved. But I always felt sick to my stomach and I would be in a funk for the rest of the day.

I didn’t understand it. I knew I was out, I knew I was safe.

So, why did I keep having these nightmares? And why did they feel so real?

I often found myself not able to put into words why I was so upset. 

Like every other couple in the world, my husband and I would have disagreements but every now and again, it was different. In fact, it usually didn’t even begin as an argument. We would just be having a conversation, or making plans on minute and the next I was feeling short tempered and taking it out on my husband.

Understandably, my husband would be baffled. In order to try and empathize and help he would ask, “Babe, what’s wrong? Why are you so upset?”

And I had nothing to tell him. Not because I was trying to withhold anything from him but because I didn’t understand it myself. I would search my mind for an answer and come up blank. It didn’t make sense, even in my own head. And I couldn’t explain my reactions or why I felt that way.

It wasn’t logical, it wasn’t reasonable but it consumed me nonetheless.

My husband would ask again, “Please, just help me understand. Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

All very reasonable requests but the more he would ask the more upset I would get. My husband heard these words come out of my mouth more than I’d like to admit: “I don’t know! I didn’t know the first time you asked and just because you keep asking doesn’t mean I’m magically going to have an answer! I don’t know!”

Yikes. My poor husband.

It wasn’t fair to either of us but I didn’t understand what’s going on inside my head anymore than he did and it was infuriating. I felt like I had no control over my emotions.

I felt like a crazy person.

These heated “conversations” never ended well because there were never any answers for either side. Both my husband and I were left feeling lost and hurt, neither of us understanding what had just happened.

Anything that reminded me of him made my stomach drop. 

It didn’t matter what it was. I hated driving past the place he worked while I was dating him, I hated going into the grocery story where he used to do all of his shopping. I couldn’t listen to certain songs or bands. The hardest one was going past the place he would take me to have sex in the back of the car during his lunch break. Or anytime I would see someone who looked even the tiniest bit like him. . .

Anytime these, amongst a many number of things, happened my stomach would drop, my chest tightened, and my face would get hot and flushed. Everything else around me would disappear and all I could focus on was that one trigger.

I never had any desire to be intimate with my husband, but more than that, just the thought of being intimate gave me anxiety.

The biggest problem I faced was my sex life. In fact, this was the main reason I had finally worked up the courage to set up an appointment with this therapist. My sex life was on the rocks and as much as I hated to admit it, it was really taking a toll on my marriage.

I was now married to the most amazing man on earth who had never hurt me and yet I couldn’t help but tense up anytime he kissed me or lovingly touched me because I was terrified of where it could possibly lead.

I never wanted sex but I always gave it because I felt guilty saying no.

I hated foreplay, I would have rather just gotten it over with.

Sex was not about love or connection, it was about taking care of your man.

Sex was a must, not a choice.

I never wanted to try anything new because I didn’t feel like I could say no or stop once it started.

My Breaking Point

All of these things were happening more and more regularly. It was like the longer and harder I tried to push these memories down and pretend they weren’t there, the more I would explode when the pressure became too much.

As much as I wanted to leave it all in the past, it was becoming more and more clear that it was going to come up one way or another. Looking back on it, I was clearly not okay but that’s not what got me to make the call to schedule my first appointment with this therapist.

I called because my marriage was suffering. My husband had done everything he could to be patient and understanding but, truthfully, it wasn’t fair of me to ask that of him anymore.

He deserved answers as much as I did.

That’s why I was sitting in this chair digging up the past I had worked so hard to bury. That’s why I had made the call. I was done letting my crappy relationship in my past have a negative affect on my incredible marriage. I was done letting him still have power over me.

I took the power back by giving my demons a name. By coming to learn and understand what I had been through instead of just hating and blaming myself for it.

This has made all the difference for me.

Defining Abuse

For the longest time I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship because my own personal definition of abuse was so skewed. I had no idea that abuse could be anything else but physical and I know I’m not the only one.

For this reason, I want to share the definition of abuse found on The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

“Domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.”

They go on to say, “Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.”

Like I said before, I was never physically harmed. He never hit me, he never beat me but this definition clearly states that that’s not all that’s involved in abusive relationships. In fact, physical harm is just one of nine different behaviors listed.

If you’ll allow, I’d like to share with you a few paragraphs I have pulled from a few of my journal entries in the two years I was with my abusive boyfriend.

When I wrote these journal entries 7.5 years ago, I didn’t have anyone in my life who knew what was really going on behind closed doors so writing became my outlet. When I wrote these, I had no intention of ever sharing them with anyone but I choose to share them now because they do a great job of showing the pain and torment that can be inflicted on someone without ever laying a finger on them.

Please be warned that they may be triggering so please proceed with caution.

*Names have been edited out for the sake of privacy.

October 2010

“He kinda makes me sad a lot too. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose but sometimes I don’t think he even knows he’s hurting me. Sometimes I think he does but he doesn’t care. It really bothers me cause I feel like he is always trying to make me feel bad. Even when he’s the one who hurts me, he always finds away to make me feel bad for him and make it so I’m the one who is comforting him. Sometimes he makes me feel really stupid and like I don’t know anything.”

October 12, 2010

“I’m not gonna lie, I really am worried about what he is doing right now. I’m worried he’s out getting drunk and doing who knows what with who knows who. He says he will never cheat on me, and I believe him most of the time. I just don’t believe it when he’s mad at me. I almost feel like he’s just going to go out with some other girl and do stuff with her kind of just to spite me and show me that he can get any girl he wants. . .

I really don’t understand him. Just this morning he sent me a text that said, “Some days I just want to marry you so bad!!! Today is one of those days. I LOVE you Robyn.”. . .

I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid this will never end. I’m so afraid that he’s going to keep on hurting me like this.”

October 21, 2010 – Thursday

“To tell you the honest and complete truth. . .for the first time in my whole entire life I just barely considered actually cutting my wrists. . .I don’t know if I really believe that it will make me feel any better but I think I probably thought about it because I want to get his attention. Is that not the stupidest thing ever? I just thought about how if he came home and my wrists were all bloody then he would hold me and make me feel better. At least that’s what I hope would happen. The sad part is that I don’t even know if he would do that. When he’s mad I feel like he doesn’t give a crap how I feel, he only cares that he’s mad. I was almost so excited cause we had almost gone THE WHOLE WEEK without any incidences where he was mad at me. So much for that. What should I do? I just sent him a text that said baby please come home 🙁 I am pathetic. I would do almost anything to make it so he’s not mad at me anymore. It doesn’t matter if I feel like he’s mad at me for no good reason, like tonight. Either way, I always find myself begging for his forgiveness. I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever felt like I was whipped. And no, not a cute funny way. In a way that he can manipulate my feelings and make me do and say things that I wouldn’t usually.”

June 24, 2011

“It’s been a while since I’ve last written and boy oh boy do I have a lot to catch you up on. I’ve been needing to do this for a while now but not necessarily because I feel like I have to catch up on everything that has been going on. The main reason is because I just need someone to talk to. Someone to express my frustrations to and sadly enough. . .a computer is all I have. I have no friends to just vent to, especially when it comes to me and (him). Actually, to tell you the honest truth, I don’t feel like I have any friends at all. . .

I can’t even tell you how many nights I lie awake for hours crying and stressing about things I’m afraid he has lied to me about. He says that he will tell me everything when we get married. . .another statement that scares me quite a bit. . .

I really just feel like he isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. He’s not willing to stop flirting with and texting other girls even though he knows it upsets me. .

It makes me feel like he’s unsatisfied with me. He says that he is just texting all of these other girls as a security device in case I ever leave him. I hate this more than anything. . .

Even if he isn’t have sex with anyone else and only flirting, etc it still makes me feel like I have competition. Am I so wrong to think that I shouldn’t have to feel that way when he is my boyfriend. I could handle feeling that way over the summer when we were both dating different people but I can’t stand feeling like there is constant competition. He says that it should just make me want to work harder for him, but quite frankly it just pisses me off. Nothing makes me more upset than when I feel like (he) is just flauting himself at other women. Is it really that unexpected for a girlfriend to get upset when her boyfriend is handing out his number to other girls when she is living with him???

Sometimes I’m convinced that I’ve been so messed up that I need a therapist or a counsler to help me figure my thoughts and my life out. I feel like I need someone to tell me that I’m not crazy, that I have good reason for being scared all the time. That I have good reason for constantly wanting to check my boyfriends phone, that I have good reason for crying and being so emotional all the time, that I have good reason for being crazy. . .

The only thing is that I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to start trusting (him) again when I have such a hard time believing a thing he says. I don’t know how to stop obsessing over him flirting and texting other girls. I wish I could just ask him to stop texting other girls but even if he really did stop, I probably wouldn’t believe him.

 

Recognizing my past relationship for what it was has saved my life. Not because I had thought about ending it but because it has allowed me to truly live. I had no idea the fog I was living in until it began to clear.

The abuse in my past had altered my ability to be intimate, my ability to communicate, and my ability to control my emotions. I was not okay.

Next to ending things with my abusive ex-boyfriend, beginning to see a therapist and finally facing my demons head on has been the hardest and bravest thing I’ve ever done and it has been life changing.

My life still isn’t perfect, nor will it ever be, but my past no longer controls my present. I’m learning how to process what happened to me instead of ignoring it and for the first time in over 7 years, I feel free. I feel like the chains are finally being lifted and I’m free to fly.

It’s an incredible feeling. I invite you to join me.

Much Love,

Robyn

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Abuse

The Self Hate That Comes From Abuse

After it was over, I felt so awful that I curled up into the fetal position. My body shook as I sobbed uncontrollably. I felt empty. I felt like everything I had ever cared about had just been ripped from me. I hated myself for letting this happen to me. I hated myself for not standing up to him, for not having the courage to push him off of me and walk out.

I left his apartment that night feeling. . .I don’t even know how to put it into words. Lost, confused, broken. . . I felt so conflicted because the man I was in love with, and who claimed to love me, had just coerced and manipulated me into having sex with him. It didn’t matter that I told him I wasn’t ready. It didn’t matter that it was important to me to wait until marriage. All that mattered was what he wanted. My 18 year old self didn’t know how to handle what had just happened.

That was just the beginning for me. Little did I know then that I would spend the next 8 years hating myself for that one event and everything that followed for the next two years. That was the day that set me up for more hurt and pain than I could have ever imagined. And I only had myself to blame. How could I be so stupid?

I Wasn’t Stupid, I Was Manipulated

For so long, I hated myself and felt like such a fool for not having the courage to just get out of that bed and leave. I was so afraid of hurting his feelings and so eager to please that I let him take advantage of me. I didn’t know it then, but that night was when the emotional and sexual abuse began. Now I recognize that the things that I have been beating myself up about for years all happened because he knew exactly how to use my weaknesses and my strengths to his advantage.

What do I mean by this? Let me explain.

My weaknesses: I was young. I was very insecure. I was gullible. I didn’t love myself and therefore I needed someone else’s love and acceptance to feel whole and complete.

He saw this in me and knew exactly what to do. He manipulated my insecurities by becoming the man I had always hoped for but feared I would never deserve. He was good to me at first. In fact, he was more than good to me. He was out of this world amazing. He had so much life in him and was so fun to be around. He thought the world of me and was constantly telling me how beautiful I was and how unbelievably happy I made him. He made me feel like he was the only one in the world who truly understood me or cared about me. He was perfect in every way possible. As laughable as it is now, I remember literally thinking that I had found my own Edward Cullen. He was so perfect and could have any girl in the world and yet he chose me. I couldn’t believe I got so lucky.

My strengths: I am quick to forgive. I am very empathetic. I am very trusting. I always put others needs before my own. I avoid contention at all costs. I am completely and wholly devoted to those that I love.

He used everyone of these strengths to his advantage. No matter how many times he cheated on me, I always forgave him. No matter how many times I caught him in a lie, I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. I would excuse any horrible thing he did because he always played the victim. No matter how poorly he treated me, I protected him fiercely. My best qualities were warped into my own destruction and he was able to do it without the blink of an eye.

The fact of the matter is that everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses. Just like me. It takes a special kind of evil to go out of your way to make ones mind their own enemy. I wasn’t stupid, he just knew exactly what to do and what to say to make me question my own sanity. His greatest weapon was my mind. He never hit me. He never threatened to take my life. Instead, he tormented me with my own thoughts. I can’t even tell you how many nights I spent agonizing, worrying, over thinking, hurting. . .I legitimately felt like a crazy person. I questioned my own sanity the whole time I was with him and never once did I question his. That my friends, is emotional abuse.

I wasn’t stupid, I was manipulated.

I Wasn’t Stupid, I Was Learning.

I know that for me personally, one of my biggest struggles with the toxic relationship in my past was feeling so stupid for what I put myself through. For so long I thought what I went through was because I made poor choices. I made stupid choices, put myself in that position, and therefore “got what I deserved”. Sounds pretty harsh but it’s exactly what I saw as the truth. It felt undeniable. It wasn’t until my therapist said this to me that I began to see the truth:

“You were doing the best you could with what you could. And yes you could have made better choices. . .except you couldn’t. Not yet. You didn’t have the knowledge you needed at that point in your life to make your choices any differently. If you did, you would have made different choices.”

When she said that, it rang true in my heart but my mind was still fighting it. I was resisting accepting this as truth. It felt too easy. Heaven forbid I should let myself off that easy, right??

And then something incredibly simple happened in my life that helped me see myself through a new lens.

My one year old daughter took her first steps.

She only took two or three before she tripped over her bottle and fell. This only happened a few days ago but my mind has been running that moment over and over in my mind ever since.

She fell. She tripped. She didn’t know.

She fell because she didn’t know what to watch out for. Just like I didn’t know what to watch our for in a relationship. Just like she didn’t have an alarm going off in her head telling her to watch out for the bottle, I didn’t have one in my head telling me that I needed to watch out for people who might take advantage of me. Tripping wasn’t on her radar, being manipulated wasn’t on mine. So we both fell. We both tripped up.

We were both learning. Neither of us had life experience to direct us.

“But Robyn,” you might say, “this is different. I made poor choices, I have no one to blame but myself.”

Yes, you did. And guess what? You’re human and therefore imperfect. Just like me and just like everyone else on this planet. We are human and therefore we all make mistakes, we all make poor choices. Unfortunately, you were manipulated into making poor choices over and over again. A very toxic man manipulated your every thought and action to get you to do things you had once considered unthinkable. To get you to do his will and get you to live your life for him. That’s on him. Not you.

It’s helped me so much to recognize that yes, I made mistakes and yes, I made foolish choices. But literally everyone on this planet does and somehow not everyone on this planet ends up in abusive relationships. So what does that tell us? Mistakes = human, mistakes ≠ abuse. It’s not because of your foolish choices you ended up in an abusive relationship. It’s because a terrible person saw the good in you and took advantage of it. 

I have learned A LOT because of those two years but I only learned it because I lived it. There is literally no way I could have known what was coming beforehand. I would never choose what I’ve been through but in some ways, I’m grateful for it. I wouldn’t be the strong, resilient fighter I am today if I hadn’t been through it and neither would you. And guess what. You did learn. You eventually did figure out that you didn’t deserve the way you were being treated and when you DID figure that out, you left. So if anything, be proud of yourself. You’re incredible. You’re intelligent. You’re brave. You have been through hell and back and you’re still standing.

It’s time to stop being ashamed of your inexperienced self. It’s time to stop hating her for what she put you through. Stop being ashamed of her choices and blaming her for all the pain. She was just hurting and wanted nothing more than to be loved and accepted. Allow yourself to remember the girl who was scared and alone and was doing everything in her power just to survive. Be grateful that she never gave up. You know how easy it would have been to just shrink back and stop fighting for herself but she didn’t! She took the harder route. She took the road less traveled so be proud of her for finding the courage to get out! She is a warrior and she deserves a little love. After all, to be loved and accepted is all she ever wanted so please, please stop withholding it from her.

She deserves it more than most.

 

Much Love,

Robyn

 

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Abuse

The #1 Thing That Helps When I Feel Broken Beyond Repair

Here’s the truth about having abuse in your past:

Simply put, it’s heavy. There are far too many days that feel impossible. Days that I can’t help but break down and cry because I feel like I’m beyond repair. I feel so shattered and screwed up that trying to do anything more than just survives feels pointless.

What’s the point of having goals when I don’t even have the motivation to make my kids breakfast? What’s the point of dreaming when it’s just a matter of time before I fall apart and can barely function again?

I hate it when I’m in this kind of emotional state. I hate it so much. And yet, at times, I hold onto it. I don’t want to let it go.

It’s a weird space to be in. I’m clinging to it desperately, not wanting to let it go, and yet I’m mad at the same time because I don’t want this to be my life anymore. I don’t want to be the mom who can’t do more than lay on the couch and sleep while her kids watch TV. I don’t want to be the friend who never calls back because it’s too hard to pretend to be okay around others. I don’t want to just survive.

I want to thrive.

I want to feel like I can do anything.

I want more than anything to feel unstoppable and on top of the world.

But that’s a pretty big leap. There’s a pretty big difference between barely surviving and feeling on top of the world. Trust me, I know. But there’s one thing I do that helps me make the leap every single time. And don’t worry, it’s incredibly simple. I know that when I’m in a bad place emotionally, everything feels too hard.

Except this one thing.

The #1 Thing That Helps Me Remember That I’m Not Broken is MUSIC

Yep. That’s it.

Now before you dismiss it as too simple, give me chance to share. Music has been such an influence for good in my life as I’ve been trying so desperately to heal and improve my day to day life. With just one song, I can go from feeling like I’m beyond repair to feeling like I can truly do anything I set my mind to.

Now, I’m not talking about just any music. I’m talking about what I like to call “Power Up” music. The kind of music that lights a fire in your soul! You know the kind I’m talking about. The kind that you listen to and as a result feel like you can do anything! This kind of music is powerful and a force for good. Pay close attention to lyrics though. There’s a difference between a good beat and good lyrics. The lyrics should inspire you, lift you up. You need lyrics that remind you of a simple truth that you have maybe forgotten. That you are powerful. That you are unstoppable. Don’t waste your time with anything that feels your head with crap and lies.

One of My All Time Favorites

One of my all time favorite songs is one that helps me remember that I’m worth fighting. Every now and again, life just gets me down and it feels too hard to fight anymore. It feels too hard to keep trying. When I’m feeling like this, my go to song is “Settle” by Jordan Smith. Do yourself a favor and click on the link. It’ll take you directly to the song and lyrics on YouTube and you can listen to the whole song for free. This is one of those songs that helps me cover that gap between where I am (barely surviving and hopeless) to where I want to be (fearless and ready to fight!).

This is one of those songs that brings me near tears every time I listen to it. Why? Because not only do the lyrics ring true to me, but they remind me of what I already know. They speak to me. I know that I’m worth fighting for, it’s just that sometimes I forget. Sometimes all I need is a reminder that I was born to fly. When I am feeling down in the dumps, that is the exact reminder I need.

When You’re Feeling Broken

When I’m feeling down in the dumps or like everything is too hard, I know that the fastest way out of it is to open up my Power Up playlist and hit shuffle. It’s incredibly dorky but if you want to take it even one step further, I imagine myself as little Mario (yes, as in Mario Kart) walking around feeling small. I feel vulnerable and like I’m only one moment away from GAME OVER. But there’s a simple fix. All I need is a mushroom and then I’ll be bigger than all of my problems! Well, the songs are like my mushrooms. When I listen to a power up song, it’s the same as little Mario finding a mushroom and turning into Super Mario! I get my “mushroom” and I power up! I feel bigger, I feel unstoppable and most importantly I feel like I can fight again. I’m Super Robyn and I am unstoppable! What else can do that in 3 minutes?

Find Some Mushrooms

My invitation to you is to start looking! What songs speak to you?? You’ll know them when you hear them. If you’re anything like me, you’ll begin to tear up, your chest will instantly swell, and you’ll feel like you just took a breath of fresh air. Look for the songs that remind you of your worth. That remind you of the truth you had forgotten. Then create a playlist specifically for these songs. My Power Up playlist only includes songs that have empowering lyrics and that make me feel better about myself and about life after listening to them.

Want more Power Up song suggestions?

Subscribe to my blog below and you’ll receive a weekly email that includes more Power Up song suggestions from my own personal playlist.

 

Much Love,

Robyn

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Abuse

My Experience at The Haven Retreat

Last week I had the incredible opportunity to attend The Haven Retreat, which is put on by The Younique Foundation. It’s specifically for adult women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse.  I want to start off by saying that The Younique Foundation did not in any way shape or form ask me to write about my experience and this is not any sort of advertisement for them. I’m choosing to share my experience because The Haven Retreat was such a blessing in my life and I am so grateful that someone reached out to me to tell me about it.

Not long after sharing my first blog post, someone messaged me about this retreat. I was able to attend last week and all I can say is THANK YOU. Thank you, Marisa, for going out of your way to make sure I knew. It has truly put me on a more direct path to healing which I have so desperately been needing. These retreats are made possible by the Younique Foundation which is partially funded by Younique Products. Marisa, knew about this retreat because she is a Younique presenter (aka sells Younique makeup). I’d like to follow in her footsteps and potentially bless your life like she did mine by sharing the same link. How could I not?

If you were 18 or younger when you experienced sexual abuse, I invite you to take a look at The Haven Retreat website. It answered a lot of my questions and I was also very impressed with how sensitive and professional they are about something so traumatic. Childhood abuse is definitely not an easy thing to talk about but I very much appreciated their candor and willingness to not only admit it’s a thing, but to also provide a retreat to help victims find the healing and the peace they have craved for far too long.

Why did I decide to apply?

My marriage is great and I have the most supportive husband in the world, but living with the trauma from my past has definitely been taking a toll on my marriage. That is so so hard to admit. But if I don’t want that to be the case anymore, I have to take action. I don’t want my past to control my present or my future anymore. I want to leave that (insert nasty word here) back in the dust wear he belongs. I don’t want him to control my life anymore. He doesn’t deserve it. He never deserved it. But to do that, I knew I needed all the help I could get. It’s taken me 5 years to recognize that this is not going away on it’s own.

That’s why I was so excited when my friend messaged me about the retreat. Help. For free. In a cabin. Away from all of my other obligations so I could just focus on me and my needs.

The adversary DID NOT WANT ME TO GO! And oh my word, if it weren’t for my wonderful husband, I would not have made it. The couple of days before I was supposed to leave for the retreat, obstacles were popping up left and right. On Sunday (the day before I was supposed to leave), we were driving our Toyota Highlander to my in-laws home. Something was starting to smell and not long after we saw smoke swarming out from under our hood. Meh, I’m sure it’s nothing, right?? Thankfully, we have the best mechanic in the world so we gave him a call and he said to just leave it parked at the in-laws and he’d come take a look at it Monday morning. The car I was planning on driving myself to the retreat with was out of service. Awesome.

Come Monday morning, 30 minutes before I was supposed to leave for the retreat, I couldn’t find my breast pump ANYWHERE. I have a seven month old baby who is breastfeeding exclusively, so just not pumping for four days. . .not an option. I would have died, I am sure of it.

Then came the full blown break down.

I couldn’t get the fear of losing my milk supply out of my head! Oh, and the engorgement from not being able to pump or nurse for four days. . .like I said: certain death. And breast pumps are not cheap people. Not to mention I’d spent the last 40 minutes looking for it and it was now 10 min after I was supposed to leave. I didn’t even have time to go buy one now.

That’s it. I’m not going. It’s not even an option.

My sweet, sweet husband gently nudged me into the passenger seat (mid break down), loaded up the kids and drove me 2 hours to drop me off at the meeting spot for the retreat. On the way, we stopped at his sisters to borrow her pump. My ladies were incredibly grateful!

Why I’m glad I  (aka my husband) pushed through

My biggest take away from this retreat was hands down feeling understood for the first time ever when it came to sexual abuse. When you have trauma in your past, it’s something you struggle with on a daily basis in one way or another. I was surrounded by amazing women who understood that. They understood why I couldn’t “just get over it.” They understood the hurt and the anger. They understood the daily struggle of something that happened years ago. For the first time ever, I found individuals who didn’t hurt for me, but with me. And that just instantly connects you.

Group Therapy

They hold group therapy 2 of the four days and I was incredibly nervous about it. I had never been a part of a group therapy and to be quite frank, I assumed they just did groups because they didn’t have the time or therapists for individualized therapy. But after just one session, I realized that group therapy was incredibly. . .therapeutic. Huh. Like I said earlier, I had never felt so understood in my whole life. Don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of people who have supported me and loved me through all of this but this was different. There’s just something different about sharing your hurt and having the people beside you, strangers even, cry and nod along with you because they have felt that same hurt. And to hear them share their stories and their pain and to know, for the first time ever, that you’re not alone. You’re not crazy.

Being pampered

They took suuuuuuuuch good care of each and every one of us. They spoiled us rotten. They had masseuses come two of the nights to give shoulder and neck massages. They gave every single one of us makeovers and then individual photo shoots. Every meal and snack and beverage and treat is prepared for you. I didn’t have to lift a finger to prepare any of my meals for 4 days. (That, my friends, is reason enough to go!) They showered us in gifts and in service.

The Food

The food was amazing. I promise you, you will not go hungry and if you do you only have yourself to blame. They made accommodations for anyone with special dietary needs or sensitivities. My favorite part was that I would load my plate to the brim each meal, eat it all and not feel an ounce of guilt. I didn’t know that was a thing! 😉 But they had delicious and incredibly healthy meals! Don’t worry, they also have plenty of snacks and desserts that were on the less healthy side. They have fridges (yes, plural) chock full of beverages, and baskets full of snacks available 24/7.

Your Choice

Now, another thing I loved about this retreat is that nothing, NOTHING, was mandatory.  All of the above was optional! You didn’t have to attend a single thing. You didn’t have to go to classes, you didn’t have to group therapy, etc. And if you chose to go, you didn’t have to say a word. You didn’t have to share, you didn’t have to interact. It’s all at your own pace! I loved and appreciated that. I never felt pressured to share or to attend anything.

100% FREE

Oh hey, did I not mention that yet? Just a minor detail. All of this is at no cost to you!!! All you have to do is get yourself (by plane or vehicle) to the designated meeting spot and you’re golden. There are no catches. The retreat is hosted by Younique which is a makeup. . .business. . . haha See! That’s how little I know about their business even after a four day retreat hosted by them! They don’t try to sell you anything, they don’t even use Younique makeup when they do the makeovers unless requested. Literally, no strings attached. They even offer a 12 week online class that starts the week after you leave so you can continue you’re healing journey.  Again, 100% free.

I also loved that I was able to try several different methods of therapy (Muay Thai, yoga, group therapy, drumming, etc) for free instead of jumping around paying hundreds of dollars just trying to figure out what was a good fit for me. I now know that I LOVE group therapy and could pass on Muah Thai and I didn’t spend a dime.

Life after the retreat

I don’t quite know how to explain it but I’ve felt a bit emotionally raw this last week.

Have you ever had a retreat hangover? I swear it’s a thing. Where you go to a retreat or a conference and you’re swallowed up into a bubble of  encouraging and uplifting information and you leave feel like you can conquer the world!! And then you come home, life gets busy instantly and. . you feel like doing one more load of laundry is going to be the end of you.

Now that I’m out of that bubble, the healing journey feels very scary to me. I know it’ll be good for me and that it’s what I want in the long run but I don’t know what I look like without the baggage of my past. I don’t know who I am without my hate. I’ve been holding onto it so tightly and it’s been mine for so long that I don’t know who I am without it. To let go of it leaves me feeling very vulnerable and raw. I’ve become comfortable with my hate and as much as I don’t want it, it’s even more scary to let it go.

I know it will get better and I know it will be worth it. I just have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. My mentor taught me that there is fear that kills and fear that grows. Whenever faced with something that scares me or makes me feel uncomfortable, I ask myself: “Is this a fear that will kill me or will it grow me?”

This will not kill me.

 

Much Love,

Robyn

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Abuse

How to get out of an abusive relationship and STAY out

One night at work, my coworkers and I were sharing crazy stories about our partners/spouses and I shared a very ‘edited’ version of the chip story. (Click here for the full story) They all kinda laughed until I mentioned that he was furious and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night when I wouldn’t do it. They became kind of hushed and a coworker and good friend of mine said with slight hesitation, “Robyn, that’s not okay.” That’s it. That’s all he said. And I remember feeling like I had just taken a giant breath of fresh air! I literally thought to myself in shock, “RIGHT??” I knew all along that it didn’t feel okay but my abusers reaction had me thinking I was the one in the wrong. For the first time in two years, I had been validated. I knew right then and there I had to get out. For good this time.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried. In the two years I was dating my abuser, there were a handful of times I had called things off. It was over. I was done.

One of the times, I even went through the effort of packing a bag and moving in with my sister for a few weeks. Another time I tried to break it off, he convinced me to continue to live and share a bed with him but we would date other people. We would just tell our future dates that we were just roommates.

Every time I tried to end things, it never went as planned. This time had to be different. I had to get as many ducks in a row as possible to make sure it worked out in my favor for once.

I want to share with you a few things I did (and a few things I wish I had done) to make sure I actually got the results I wanted.

First, I want to emphasize that the steps I took are not a one size fits all solution. I realize that everyone’s situations are vastly different and what worked for me may not work for others. What’s important is that you figure out what WILL work for you. What steps do you need to take?

These are the steps that worked for me.

Do

  1. Set up a place you can move into. I went apartment shopping, signed a contract and made a security deposit before I breathed a word of breaking up. It was a dang good thing I did too because if I hadn’t I KNOW I would have gone back. Not right away, but eventually when it got hard. There were several times I almost moved back in with him and the only thing that stopped me was knowing I was already paying for my own place and I had signed a year contract. This was probably the most affective step I took.
  2. Start packing things up and moving them out – start with the inconspicuous things. There’s a good chance you won’t get anything that is left once they are made aware that you’re leaving. Ideally, be completely moved out by the time they’re home from work so you don’t ever have to set foot in that house again. By the time he got home from work, my car was packed with all of my stuff and I was ready to go.
  3. Be firm and short when you tell them you’re leaving. Don’t be apologetic or sound undecided. Don’t leave any room for conversation on the matter.
  4. End ALL contact with them. Don’t even think about trying to “stay friends”. They abused you. They manipulated you. That was the relationship you had with them and that’s the relationship you will continue to have with them if you allow it. This is one of those things I wished I had done. I absolutely failed at this part and that made it so much harder than it needed to be. He continued to manipulate me and guilt me left and right.
  5. Surround yourself with a support group. People who know what you’ve been through. Who love and genuinely care about you.

 

Don’t

  1. Tell them where your new home/apartment is. I initially didn’t tell him but I eventually caved. Looking back, I wish I would have changed my phone number so he had no way of contacting me.
  2. Try to explain yourself, help them feel better, or any conversation more than “I am leaving”. They know why. And if they don’t, let them figure it out on their own. They are the masters of manipulation and they will only talk (aka guilt) you into staying once again.
  3. Go back to their house FOR ANYTHING OR ANY REASON. It will be really hard at first. You’ll miss what you once called home and no matter what terrible things happened between the two of you, a part of you will still miss that life. This is normal. It does not mean you made the wrong choice by leaving.
  4. Respond to any kind of contact they try to make. No matter their reason, no matter their plea. Again: Clean cut. Picking up the nice baking pans you accidentally left behind aren’t worth going back for, I promise.
  5. Have an “in between” friend. Someone who gives you the dish on them and guaranteed gives them the dish on you. One last time: CLEAN CUT!

 

Again, all of these steps won’t be a great fit for everyone. Take what you can and adjust it to your needs. Remember, you are strong and you can do hard things. You are worth it.

 

With much love,

Robyn

 

*Please subscribe if you’d like to receive an email each time I make a new post! If you’d like to know more of my back story and why I’m choosing to share this part of my past check out this post. 

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Abuse

It’s Not Your Fault

When I was in the thick of my abusive relationship, what helped me more than anything was the day I became aware. Aware that the way he was treating me wasn’t okay, that it wasn’t justified. I knew that it didn’t feel okay but, like most abuse victims, I had been led to believe that the way he was treating me was my fault. May I share a personal experience that illustrates this? It’s not pretty and frankly, it’s vulgar. But abuse is just that.

I don’t remember what led up to it but one night, he put a potato chip between his bare butt cheeks and told me to get it out of there with my mouth and eat it. I thought he was kidding so I laughingly said, “No way!” He continued to push it and I kept refusing. The possibility that he was actually serious never even entered my mind. He eventually said, “If you don’t do it, no sex for a week.” He was obviously irritated that I hadn’t caved yet. I was disgusted by the demand and I responded with, “That’s just fine. There’s no way I’m doing it!” He was furious. He stormed out of the kitchen and into the TV room, fuming.

My disgust was instantly replaced by overwhelming regret. I had obviously just done something very, very wrong. So many thoughts went racing into my mind all at once:

“You idiot!!! You should have just eaten the chip! It wasn’t that big of a deal. You are so stupid! This wouldn’t have happened if you had just done it. Now the night is ruined and it’s your fault!”

I started crying out of fear and frustration. How could I be so stupid? I had learned from experience that he wasn’t to be bothered with my emotions so I did my best to compose myself before heading into the TV room. We both knew how this worked. He would lie on the couch, stone cold with his back to me and I would assume position on my knees next to the couch and beg and plead for forgiveness. I would apologize for everything and verbally tear myself apart by saying how stupid and how wrong I was. This was the first step to gaining his “forgiveness”. After he felt I had done enough groveling, he would turn his body towards me, ever so slightly. I knew this meant that he was ready. Ready for me to initiate sex. Beg for it. Plead for him to be with me, despite my apparent wrong doings and unworthiness. That was the second step. After all was said and done, step three was to thank him. Thank him for his patience and forgiveness. Thank him for accepting me despite my constant foolishness and idiotic mistakes.

This is a perfect example of believing that I deserved the way he was treating me. Again, I knew that the way he treated me didn’t FEEL okay. I was far from happy. I was hurt, I was scared, I was often times incredibly frustrated and discouraged. I never knew how he would react to anything I did. Because of this, I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate what I would unknowingly do wrong next.

Over five years later and I’m finally realizing that I wasn’t the problem. For two years, anytime he would get really mad I would instantly start looking for what I did wrong. What did I do wrong? 

Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. 

The questions running through my mind should have been more along the lines of, “What is upsetting him?” or “Why is he overreacting about this?” It wasn’t me that was the problem, it was him.

I currently have a two year old and as we all know, two year olds are known for throwing tantrums for the most ridiculous reasons. It helps me to think about abuse like that. When my two year old is throwing a giant fit because he wanted the green cup NOT the blue one I don’t stop and tear myself apart because HE is screaming and yelling. I don’t think, “Oh my gosh what did I do wrong?? I’m so stupid! I should have known that he would want the green one (even though blue was his favorite yesterday). This is all my fault!”

No.

I don’t get upset with myself at all because I did absolutely nothing wrong. Just because my two year old is losing his crap doesn’t mean I have to take responsibility for his negative emotions. He’s two and he’s emotionally immature. The same goes for the abuser. Their reaction is due to their mentality and NOT your actions.

You are not stuck and you have options! These are truths that I didn’t realize when I was in the thick of it. I think one of the huge reasons I stuck around for so long is because I felt like I had “made my bed and now I had to lie in it”. I had made the decision to be his girlfriend, move in with him, etc and now I had to deal with the consequences. Well, newsflash!! You don’t have to keep lying in it! Just because you possibly made some poor choices doesn’t mean you deserve the way you’ve been treated and it most definitely doesn’t mean you have to stay there!! Trust me, you’ve already suffered enough and you know it. Stop blaming yourself for your circumstances and get out and let yourself be happy! Please, please, please remember that I DO know how hard this is! And I’m telling you it’s worth it.

You are worth it.

So fight. Fight for yourself again. I remember thinking so many times in that two year window, “I don’t know if I can take this anymore” and “I’m so afraid this will never end.” I was right, it never did. My life was hell until I made the choice to get out. Believe me when I say that from the second I walked out that door, I have only found more peace and more happiness. No, it most definitely wasn’t easy but it was worth it.  Honestly, the hardest part was making the decision. I had tortured myself for so long on whether I had the courage to leave or not but the second, the second I decided to leave (and knew that I actually meant it this time), I felt so incredibly free.

In a way, I am grateful that he tried to make me eat that chip. It still makes me sick to think about but it was because of that experience that I got out. I’ll be sharing more about how I got out of my emotional and sexually abusive relationship next week! Subscribe below and you’ll receive an email when I make a new post.

Love to you all,

Robyn

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Abuse

Diary of the Abused: Don’t Lose Hope

Journal Entry: October 12, 2010

I really don’t know if I can take this anymore? I feel like he’s looking for any excuse to be mad at me.

Today I’m babysitting and he was going to come help me after he got home from work at 8:30 but I got a call at about 8:15 and he was pissed. I felt like it came out of nowhere. He was pissed because I apologized to (my ex boyfriend) about everything. What I don’t understand is why it’s okay for him to keep on adding his ex wife when she is always saying mean things to him and about me. He said she apologized but so did (ex boyfriend).

He then told me that he wasn’t going to come over to help me babysit, he now had different plans. He didn’t tell me what they were and I didn’t dare ask.

I really am scared of him sometimes.

I texted him and said that I loved him and he never responded. It hurts a lot. I feel like crying again.

He made me cry three times the other day. It was on Sunday and we took a trip to Ogden and then to Cabelas. He yelled at me twice because of the way I was driving. The worst part is that one of the times he yelled at me was because I didn’t see the V8 fusion on his grandma’s back porch and we had to turn around for it. He then apologized for yelling at me about something that wasn’t that big of a deal.

Not even 15 minutes later, he yelled at me again for pulling over at the wrong spot.

I can’t even go 3 days without making him mad at me about something.

Sometimes when he’s mad at me, I feel like he is scolding his child.

He told me to text him when I was done babysitting but a part of me just wants to text him and tell him I’m not coming home tonight. I would do it if I thought there was even a small chance he would say, “No Robyn, please come home.” But I know that won’t happen. If anything he’ll say, “K, I’ll stay somewhere else tonight too then.” Cause he knows I would worry and stress over where he was staying.

I’m done babysitting now but I’m scared to text him. I have a feeling I’ll text him and tell him I’m done and at home, he won’t respond and then won’t come home for a few more hours.

I’m not gonna lie, I really am worried about what he is doing right now. I’m worried he’s out getting drunk and doing who knows what with who knows who. He says he’ll never cheat on me, and I believe him most of the time. I just don’t believe it when he’s mad at me. I almost feel like he’s just going to go out with some girl and do stuff with her kind of just to spite me and show me that he can get any girl he wants.

Honestly though, if he were to ever to do something like that, I would leave him. Or I would at least try. The only thing is that I don’t know if I trust him to tell me something like that if it were to happen.

I really don’t understand him. Just this morning he sent me a text that said, “Some days I just want want to marry you so bad!!! Today is one of those days. I LOVE you Robyn.” Like an hour before he called me, we were joking about him going to a friends wedding in Vegas instead of helping me babysit.

I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid this will never end. I’m so afraid that he’s going to keep hurting me like this.

I just sent him a text saying I was done babysitting but I seriously doubt he’ll respond for a while, if at all. My guess is that he won’t even be home till midnight or later, even if I am done.

I wish I could just not care. I feel like he gets mad at me for a lot of things I really don’t even understand but every time he does, I just want to cry. He makes me feel like a bag of **CENSORED** sometimes.

What should I do?

I keep waiting for things like this to come to an end but it never does and in the back of my mind I really don’t think it will ever end. Every time something like this happens, I think he just waits for me to go crawling to him and begging for forgiveness. The worst part is that we both know it will happen.

I would wait for him to say sorry for hurting me, but one, I don’t think he even knows or cares if he’s hurt me, and two, I don’t think he’ll ever be the one to come to me apologizing first.

I wonder if that’s why he does it. So that he can see someone is in love with him enough or needs/wants him enough to do whatever it takes to keep him.

Another thing is that I know that if I were to ever leave him, he would do whatever he could to flaunt his new girlfriends and make me wish I had never left him.

I’ve learned that it’s really best that when he hurts me, to just act like I’m not hurt. Because if I do, he will get all mad and it only makes things worse. If he’s mad about something, even if I don’t understand it, I have to just go apologize, beg for forgiveness, and wait for him to not be mad at me anymore.

I don’t want you to think things are always this bad. Most nights are full of laughing, teasing, wrestling 🙂 and are just great in general. I really am in love with him so very much, I just wish stuff like this didn’t have to be a constant fear in the back of my mind. Even when things are going great, there’s always that fear that I’m going to say or do something that is going to ruin the whole night.

Well, gotta go home now. I’ll probably write some more while I’m waiting for (boyfriend) to get home but who knows. I might just go straight to bed.

When I wrote this journal entry, I was 18 years old and had been living with my 26 year old boyfriend for two months. To say I was unhappy is a serious understatement. I didn’t know it then but I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship. I felt stuck. I felt like it was too late for me to ever find happiness and I was only 18 years old.

Getting out of that place was really hard and scary to be quite honest. It took a long time but with immense help from family, friends, and my Savior, it happened. More on that in this post. Fast forward to September 24, 2013. Not only had I faced my fears and gotten out, but I had met the man of my dreams! The following journal entry was written at age 21 when I had been married to my husband, Brent, for just over two months.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I was feeling super emotional and hormonal and was crying over everything. Brent and I had been sick for the past week and yesterday was the first day I was feeling well enough to get some much needed cleaning and errands done. I’m obsessed with to do lists so I had written up this giant list of things I wanted to accomplish that day, one of which was to finally get the name on my drivers license changed to Homer.

Long story short, I went to the Drivers License Division, stood in line forever, filled out paper work, got my new picture taken. . . and then I was informed one of the 700 forms/proof of identification I needed to update my DL was wrong. I brought the 1040 and apparently I needed the W2.

I don’t know why but I was so frustrated. So I ran home to find my W2 and it was no where to be found. I literally just sat down & cried in defeat. I have now been Robyn Homer for over 2 months but according to everything else (but FaceBook) I’m still Robyn NewMyer.

There are sooo many things I have to change my name on, all of which require so many other documents that prove you are who you say you are. It’s such a big hassle and it’s been sitting on my to do list for the past 2 months which absolutely drives me crazy. That and writing thank you cards. . .I really need to do that.

Anyways, I tell this story not to complain but to show how truly amazing my husband is. When I saw him, I told him how frustrated I was about the whole ordeal and he just wrapped me in his arms and told me how much he loved me.

Then later that night, we just had cuddle time. I was about to start working on the rest of my giant to do list when he got in bed and told me to just come and cuddle with him for a little bit. It helped me immensely.

Afterwords, I started working on homework while he cleaned the room, without me asking! I didn’t know husbands like that existed! I’m pretty sure I snagged the only one.

He folded & put away the laundry that had been sitting since the week before, took out the garbage, and was sure to come give me kisses every few minutes.

Despite all his sweet acts of kindness, I had yet another breakdown.

I didn’t understand how I was supposed to do the homework assignment I was working on and I was ready to be done with it. He came over, wiped the tears away, and told me that if I could get through the first half, he would wake up early with me the next morning and help me finish it before it was due.

Isn’t he incredible? And this isn’t just him on a good day. He is this sweet and selfless everyday. He truly treats me like a queen.

I never understood the meaning of that phrase until I met Brent.

I wish I could shake you by the shoulders right now!! Are you getting this?? I was in your shoes only a few short years ago! And now I am married to the most selfless and loving man I have ever met and I have two beautiful children!  Don’t lose hope. My life still isn’t perfect but man oh man, it sure feels like it when I remember how bad it used to be. I’m happy beyond anything I could have possibly imagined 6 years ago. The man in my life now buys me flowers and jewelry because he felt like it instead of because he cheated on me. My husband holds me even tighter when I’m crying instead of walking out of room so he doesn’t have to hear it. When we argue, he sticks around to talk about it instead of storming out of the house and disappearing for hours. My husband is not perfect and neither am I, but he treats me like a queen regardless. I know you’re in a bad place right now but it doesn’t have to stay that way. There is hope for you! It’s not too late for you to be happy. You just have to make the choice. I know it takes courage but that’s okay because you are courageous!

I have so so much I want to share on this topic. My vision is to spread hope to those who are in a similar situation and make others aware of how they can help those who are hurting. Please subscribe by entering your email below and you’ll receive bonus material only shared with my subscribers and a notification each time I make a new post! No spam, I promise 🙂

 

Much love,

Robyn Homer

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