It’s Not Your Fault

When I was in the thick of my abusive relationship, what helped me more than anything was the day I became aware. Aware that the way he was treating me wasn’t okay, that it wasn’t justified. I knew that it didn’t feel okay but, like most abuse victims, I had been led to believe that the way he was treating me was my fault. May I share a personal experience that illustrates this? It’s not pretty and frankly, it’s vulgar. But abuse is just that.

I don’t remember what led up to it but one night, he put a potato chip between his bare butt cheeks and told me to get it out of there with my mouth and eat it. I thought he was kidding so I laughingly said, “No way!” He continued to push it and I kept refusing. The possibility that he was actually serious never even entered my mind. He eventually said, “If you don’t do it, no sex for a week.” He was obviously irritated that I hadn’t caved yet. I was disgusted by the demand and I responded with, “That’s just fine. There’s no way I’m doing it!” He was furious. He stormed out of the kitchen and into the TV room, fuming.

My disgust was instantly replaced by overwhelming regret. I had obviously just done something very, very wrong. So many thoughts went racing into my mind all at once:

“You idiot!!! You should have just eaten the chip! It wasn’t that big of a deal. You are so stupid! This wouldn’t have happened if you had just done it. Now the night is ruined and it’s your fault!”

I started crying out of fear and frustration. How could I be so stupid? I had learned from experience that he wasn’t to be bothered with my emotions so I did my best to compose myself before heading into the TV room. We both knew how this worked. He would lie on the couch, stone cold with his back to me and I would assume position on my knees next to the couch and beg and plead for forgiveness. I would apologize for everything and verbally tear myself apart by saying how stupid and how wrong I was. This was the first step to gaining his “forgiveness”. After he felt I had done enough groveling, he would turn his body towards me, ever so slightly. I knew this meant that he was ready. Ready for me to initiate sex. Beg for it. Plead for him to be with me, despite my apparent wrong doings and unworthiness. That was the second step. After all was said and done, step three was to thank him. Thank him for his patience and forgiveness. Thank him for accepting me despite my constant foolishness and idiotic mistakes.

This is a perfect example of believing that I deserved the way he was treating me. Again, I knew that the way he treated me didn’t FEEL okay. I was far from happy. I was hurt, I was scared, I was often times incredibly frustrated and discouraged. I never knew how he would react to anything I did. Because of this, I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate what I would unknowingly do wrong next.

Over five years later and I’m finally realizing that I wasn’t the problem. For two years, anytime he would get really mad I would instantly start looking for what I did wrong. What did I do wrong? 

Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. 

The questions running through my mind should have been more along the lines of, “What is upsetting him?” or “Why is he overreacting about this?” It wasn’t me that was the problem, it was him.

I currently have a two year old and as we all know, two year olds are known for throwing tantrums for the most ridiculous reasons. It helps me to think about abuse like that. When my two year old is throwing a giant fit because he wanted the green cup NOT the blue one I don’t stop and tear myself apart because HE is screaming and yelling. I don’t think, “Oh my gosh what did I do wrong?? I’m so stupid! I should have known that he would want the green one (even though blue was his favorite yesterday). This is all my fault!”

No.

I don’t get upset with myself at all because I did absolutely nothing wrong. Just because my two year old is losing his crap doesn’t mean I have to take responsibility for his negative emotions. He’s two and he’s emotionally immature. The same goes for the abuser. Their reaction is due to their mentality and NOT your actions.

You are not stuck and you have options! These are truths that I didn’t realize when I was in the thick of it. I think one of the huge reasons I stuck around for so long is because I felt like I had “made my bed and now I had to lie in it”. I had made the decision to be his girlfriend, move in with him, etc and now I had to deal with the consequences. Well, newsflash!! You don’t have to keep lying in it! Just because you possibly made some poor choices doesn’t mean you deserve the way you’ve been treated and it most definitely doesn’t mean you have to stay there!! Trust me, you’ve already suffered enough and you know it. Stop blaming yourself for your circumstances and get out and let yourself be happy! Please, please, please remember that I DO know how hard this is! And I’m telling you it’s worth it.

You are worth it.

So fight. Fight for yourself again. I remember thinking so many times in that two year window, “I don’t know if I can take this anymore” and “I’m so afraid this will never end.” I was right, it never did. My life was hell until I made the choice to get out. Believe me when I say that from the second I walked out that door, I have only found more peace and more happiness. No, it most definitely wasn’t easy but it was worth it.  Honestly, the hardest part was making the decision. I had tortured myself for so long on whether I had the courage to leave or not but the second, the second I decided to leave (and knew that I actually meant it this time), I felt so incredibly free.

In a way, I am grateful that he tried to make me eat that chip. It still makes me sick to think about but it was because of that experience that I got out. I’ll be sharing more about how I got out of my emotional and sexually abusive relationship next week! Subscribe below and you’ll receive an email when I make a new post.

Love to you all,

Robyn